With Gabe deployed, there are days I feel alone in our adoption process. I feel like I am the only one living "the waiting game". That I am the only ones who has emotions to deal with, and that I have to deal with them alone. Yes, I have great friends, some who have even adopted themselves. But Gabe is my partner in this.
So when Gabe informed me that he got a whole week off to enjoy his host country, I was really excited! This means access to wifi, which means he can text, facetime, and facebook chat with me. While we have been able to sporadically email each other and receive an occasional satellite phone call, it's good to really feel connected at a deeper level. I am so thankful that if we have to be separated, it is in today's world and not in one where letters are the only form of communication.
We really got to talk about adoption tonight. Just where we are in the process, sharing each other's concerns and fears. But most importantly, just encouraging each other to keep going. January marked 4 years that we have been trying to start a family. 4 years!! That's a long time to be planning and hoping, but not having it go anywhere. Most people try for a few months, get pregnant, then have a baby 9 months later. For them, it could be maybe a year of waiting for their blessing. Not for us. That's why when we signed up for our adoption, it was so exciting. We has silently been planning and hoping, but by signing up for adoption, (in our mind) it meant we would be parents. We could start buying little things here or there. Grab hand-me-downs from friends who have completed their families. And most importantly, we allowed ourselves to be more transparent and let people into our life more.
Flash forward 10 months. Yes, it's been 10 months since we signed up. Honestly, I didn't think we would be waiting this long. I really thought the process would speed along. But here we are. And I'm ok with that some days. But others, I start to wonder if it will ever happen. I'm so tired of the up and down emotions that started 4 years ago. But it's not something I can just give up on, so the emotions seems never ending. And I think in the emotional exhaustion, it is easy to turn that frustration on yourself and fault yourself. I can blame myself for physical issues. I can blame myself for not being a good enough Christian (although I've spent lots of time in pray and there is always room to grow, I don't feel heaviness on my heart that I need to fix something in my life before I can be blessed with a child). And these feelings can consume a person easily. And in those moments, I feel foolish for the shopping I've done. Silly for announcing (and blogging) to the world that we are adopting. Like we are all talk and it will never happen.
As Gabe and I talked about adoption, he brought up his concerns. And they were exactly what I've been feeling. His frustration in waiting. Blame created by false guilt (which is not how God works). What a relief to know my partner in this is just as human as I am. That he struggles in similar ways. It reminds me I'm not alone. We are in this journey together. We may not be able to hold hands and reassure each other, but we can talk in a way that feels like we are holding hands (thanks to technology). I have definitely been graced with the perfect partner to go on this roller coaster with.
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