Sharing Stories

Today, I had the privilege of attending a baby shower for a friend from church.  There were lots of wonderful ladies, some friendly faces, some I knew who they were but hadn't spoken to much, and even a few new faces.  It was a lovely time and I got to spend some time getting to know some ladies better.  One lady in particular was very interested to learn that we were adopted.  She had been adopted herself after years in the foster system and had trouble conceiving for several years. While I didn't learn every detail of those experiences, I found it heartwarming to hear someone else's story, hear they had a similar struggle, but mostly it was good to hear someone else has gone through the same emotions at I in certain times in their life.

Growing up, I knew a few kids that were adopted, but I never knew the circumstances as to the story behind their adoption.  I assume they were closed adoptions that happened around their birth. But it was something that wasn't really discussed.  Mostly because it was nobody's business to bring it up and as far as I knew, the parents never brought it up in conversation either.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I look back and wish I had heard more stories about adoption growing up. Mainly because I felt I had to keep our struggles a secret for so long and how it is almost ingrained in me for a long time not to talk about our struggles.  I think opportunities have been lost in some circles where people aren't comfortable to share their struggles and encourage others through it. It's so nice to know others have stood where you stand now, and they made it through!

That's probably why I blog.  It started as a way to keep people informed about our process because not alot of people in our lives know anything about adoption.  Then it slowly grew to be an outlet, and a way to force allow myself to be more open; a stretching tool.  But now, I just want our story to encourage someone else. A friend who is considering adoption.  Or just a random person who stumbles across this far from charismatic blog to find encouragement that they aren't alone.  It's hard to find a balance between being honest and not having a pity party some days.  But I want to express the hard days just as much as the good ones, but with a positive twist without emotions consuming my words.

So I would just encourage those who have an adoption story to share it, especially with me.  You never know who is just needing to hear someone else's story and be encouraged by it. It will connect you with people in a way that is hard to describe. It's an experience you share that most people can't understand. I know I just soak up each story and struggle I hear.  Each is different with its own ups and downs, struggles and joys.  But it opens my eyes to things to prepare for as well and the blessings in my life. And it takes away the feeling of loneliness and replaces it with a feeling of community. Sharing yourself with others is important.

Blessing in the form of Technology

With Gabe deployed, there are days I feel alone in our adoption process.  I feel like I am the only one living "the waiting game".  That I am the only ones who has emotions to deal with, and that I have to deal with them alone.  Yes, I have great friends, some who have even adopted themselves.  But Gabe is my partner in this.

So when Gabe informed me that he got a whole week off to enjoy his host country, I was really excited!  This means access to wifi, which means he can text, facetime, and facebook chat with me. While we have been able to sporadically email each other and receive an occasional satellite phone call, it's good to really feel connected at a deeper level. I am so thankful that if we have to be separated, it is in today's world and not in one where letters are the only form of communication.

We really got to talk about adoption tonight.  Just where we are in the process, sharing each other's concerns and fears. But most importantly, just encouraging each other to keep going. January marked 4 years that we have been trying to start a family. 4 years!! That's a long time to be planning and hoping, but not having it go anywhere.  Most people try for a few months, get pregnant, then have a baby 9 months later.  For them, it could be maybe a year of waiting for their blessing.  Not for us. That's why when we signed up for our adoption, it was so exciting.  We has silently been planning and hoping, but by signing up for adoption, (in our mind) it meant we would be parents.  We could start buying little things here or there.  Grab hand-me-downs from friends who have completed their families. And most importantly, we allowed ourselves to be more transparent and let people into our life more.

Flash forward 10 months.  Yes, it's been 10 months since we signed up. Honestly, I didn't think we would be waiting this long.  I really thought the process would speed along. But here we are. And I'm ok with that some days.  But others, I start to wonder if it will ever happen.  I'm so tired of the up and down emotions that started 4 years ago.  But it's not something I can just give up on, so the emotions  seems never ending. And I think in the emotional exhaustion, it is easy to turn that frustration on yourself and fault yourself. I can blame myself for physical issues.  I can blame myself for not being a good enough Christian (although I've spent lots of time in pray and there is always room to grow, I don't feel heaviness on my heart that I need to fix something in my life before I can be blessed with a child).  And these feelings can consume a person easily. And in those moments, I feel foolish for the shopping I've done. Silly for announcing (and blogging) to the world that we are adopting. Like we are all talk and it will never happen.

As Gabe and I talked about adoption, he brought up his concerns.  And they were exactly what I've been feeling.  His frustration in waiting.  Blame created by false guilt (which is not how God works). What a relief to know my partner in this is just as human as I am.  That he struggles in similar ways. It reminds me I'm not alone. We are in this journey together. We may not be able to hold hands and reassure each other, but we can talk in a way that feels like we are holding hands (thanks to technology). I have definitely been graced with the perfect partner to go on this roller coaster with.

Waiting...and shopping

Waiting.  My least favorite word. I am a go-getter, someone who makes things work.  When I know what I want, get out of my way because it's going to get done done, my way. And if there is any word that goes alongside 'adoption', it's 'waiting'.  And honestly, it sucks. And it's exhausting. Emotionally exhausting. But waiting doesn't sound exhausting; it sounds easy.  Relaxing, after all, it's just waiting.  It's not. It's intense and agitating!

I have been blessed with people all around us, supporting us.  And I have been blessed with the knowledge that my father in heaven has this whole plan worked out.  A plan that is going to blow my mind with how perfect it is.  A plan that will surpass any small dream I can come up with.  But sometimes, my emotions win.  Even when I have all the head knowledge, my heart hurts and I have a mopey (mopy?) day or two. I see all these beautiful families who have waited just like me.  Who have beautiful stories.  And I wonder how much longer I will have to wait?

In my time of waiting, I went through a phases of baby shopping. *cringe* 2 weeks ago, I went on a major binge. Like 3 stores. But in my defense, I returned 2 shirts to Kohl's and had Kohl's cash to spend, so I got 7 outfit sets for only $11! I just felt as if I needed to have a diaper bag ready.  While I didn't go buy diapers or wipes, I did go buy a....what's it called....the wrap that makes the baby a burrito...a swaddle.  That's it.  I bought a swaddle.  I also bought several onies that are like a sleepers. Is that a sleeper or a onies?  (Can you tell I need to learn the names of all these things?). I also purchased a few newborn bottles because they were on sale.  Everything Most everything is gender neutral and is a good start should we get a spontaneous baby. Oh, and did I forget to mention the amazing Nebraska Huskers onies and sleeper set I got? And to smooth things over with Gabe since this was a secret shopping spree, I bought a set of Bronco onies (Go Broncos, beat Seattle!). I know that this doesn't change anything, it doesn't speed up the process.  But in a week of struggling to wait, it was something that I could do. But, I think that was my first and last spending spree.  Gabe has told me in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to buy anything else until we are matched.  I'm ok with that, mostly because when I worked up the nerve to tell him about my shopping adventure, he didn't get angry.  He just rolled his eyes and shook his head.  I can deal with that.

Newborn clothes from Kohls for $11.  The pink was too cute to walk away from.  (Secretly hoping for a girl!)

And for having an adoption journey blog, I wish I had more to write about. I hate having no updates. It is discouraging at times but as Gabe would say, it is what it is.


(Well, Gibbs just unhooked the power cord to my computer.  Must be my sign that it's enough for now)

Lessons from Grandma

My Grandma Rosie passed away Thursday afternoon.  It came as a surprise as she hadn't had any new major health issue. I arrived home today and was blessed that Gabe was able to fly in from Hawaii before his deployment.  In my 8 hour drive home, I had time to reflect on Grandma, the life she lived, and values she taught.  Most of my current memories of her were in her limited physical form after her stroke.  But I found so much joy in remembering old memories, as well as seeing how she stayed the same after her stroke.  Grandma was a very spunky, determined, loving woman, and that never changed.  

Here are just a few memories of Grandma.  Each so special to me, each showing just a sliver of the woman she was

Grandma was a hostess.  It really was one of her spiritual gifts.  Anyone new at church got an invitation over for lunch.  And she cooked the best food!  I remember one holiday, probably Christmas, were she wanted to make 1 dish for each person.  We could all make a request and she was going to make sure it ended up on the table.  And it ended up being 10 items...bread and butter pickles, green beans, bread...I remember my request was mashed potatoes and I was so excited!! I just have so many memories of the whole extended family that started with a meal and ended up just hanging out as a family.  That example is what I saw passed down to my mom, and it's something I desperately want in my life in my home.  The openness, fun, family, and the safety found at Grandma's is a model of how a Godly women's home should look.

We spent lots of time at Grandma's.  Lots of weekends, nights here and there, and maybe a week or two in the summer.  It was our second home.  The biggest memory I think all the grandkids had (other than having to pose for hideous pictures constantly), was when she would tuck us in for night, she would give us backrubs while singing old hymns.  It was such a comforting thing and I don't ever really remember being upset that my parents were away for the night.  She would sing 6 or 7 hymns,  taking her time, just enjoying the moments that became such treasured memories to us.  Because of that, I have a special love for hymns. 

Grandma taught me how to earn my money. Except for birthdays or Christmas (or the time she paid to finally cut my hair), every dollar from Grandma was earned. She would make me follow her around in the yard, marking dandelions with a flag.  I got a nickel for everyone I found.  There would be flags all over the yard, and we would then go around and hoe each one.  She would make me mow the front yard, but afterwards I'd get a dollar or two.  When I was older and Dad taught me how to use his .22, we would go over at night and shoot the rabbits on Grandma's yard.  My wage was $1 per rabbit.  And gophers.  She hated them! We'd flush them out with water and she'd hack them with her hoe. I don't remember the going wage for gophers, but I remember the time we got 7 in a day.

I remember one time she was watching my cousins and I while our parents double dated.  Briann and I shared a room and we were pretty cantankerous when we got together.  After goofing off when we should have been in bed, we decided maybe we could talk Grandma into letting us stay up, so we tried the "we can't sleep because we're hungry" game.  I think she saw through it, but I remember her words so clearly.  "There are so many children going to bed hungry.  I won't have any in my house."  And at 10pm, she popped us popcorn. Not sure there is a lesson here, just a memory.  Maybe the lesson was to sometime humor someone else?  Who knows if you are making a memory for them?  Or maybe the lesson was to show love to cantankerous kids? Or maybe it was as simple as showing love and generosity to someone else, even if you are unsure how honest/sincere their motives are?

The only time I remember Grandma being mad, really mad, is when Tyler and I went tramping around in the wheat field, I think crawling and making "tunnels".  Well, the spot we chose for our little adventure was right in front of her back window.  She was so mad at us!! Told us to never go play in a wheat field after Easter.  At that time, I knew that you could let the calves graze on the wheat, but then later you shouldn't walk in the wheat fields. That was the extent of my knowledge. I didn't really know much about the seasons of farming/harvesting. But that day Grandma taught me my first bit of farming advice and Easter is burned in my mind as the cut-off for playing in the wheat.

This is one of my favorite memories: A year or so after her stroke, I had a late volleyball game and had to be up super early the next day for a band trip.  So I walked to Grandmas apartment and spent the night in her guest bedroom.  I remember slipping in the back door and trying to be quiet as not to wake her.  I was 14ish and still adjusting to the "new" Grandma after her stroke.  I remember lots of frustration in trying to understand her, and her frustration with her new limits. When I walked into the spare bedroom, the first thing to catch my eye was that she had taken the time to get an extra blanket and put it on the bed for me.  Such a simple act, but to me it was big.  She might not have been able to communicate clearly, but her message was crystal.  She was still the same.  Her love for me hadn't changed.  She still wanted to take care of me, however she could. The Grandma's love I had known before was still there regardless of her physical limitations.

I went home a few weeks ago and I stopped in to see Grandma.  I've noticed the past couple years, she doesn't try to converse as much as she used to.  But she found joy just having family around her. Even if she didn't make an effort to join the conversation, she just loved to listen to what was happening in our lives.  It was such a simple, uncomplicated love.  A joyful love.  A unconditional love.  There are few people in our lives who take that much joy and love in us, especially in the little things. I see it as a small, inner circle of people.  It may not have fully hit me yet, but my circle just shrunk dramatically. I'm thankful Grandma is living fully in Heaven with our Savior.  A fullness that we on earth can only imagine. I'm thankful that she got to meet Gabe and that they had a special bond that started when she literally dragged me out of her house and locked me outside so Gabe would tell her without me overhearing where he had planned our surprise Honeymoon.  She was the only person he ever told before we left.  He's response was "it's Grandma.  You can't say no to Grandma."  I find sadness for me that she won't ever get to meet my children.  But she knew of our adoption plans and was excited for it. 

Grandma at my wedding in 2009

On a side note, apparently Grandma got in a walker fight at church last Sunday.  Someone else tried to take her seat (that has been hers for the last 13 years), and in the middle of prayer, all anyone could hear was the clanking of her using her walker to fend off the imposing walker.  Yes, her determination, independence, and stubbornness were there from day 1 to her last day.  I'm proud to say I definitely have those traits and I wear them proudly, much to Gabe's dismay.

Thanksgiving in California

I haven't written in a while because, frankly, that hasn't been much to report on the adoption front.  Right now we are in a waiting game.  We are waiting for a birth mother to look at our profile and request to learn more about us and maybe start communication. The adoption agency has pretty much gone silent on us.  They don't want to tell us each time a birthmother requests our profiles.  If they did, we could feel discouraged.  For example, if 5 birthmothers request our information in a month but no one ends up choosing us, if our agency lets us know each time we would have an emotional roller coaster and could start to question "what's wrong with us? Why won't anyone pick us?" Especially if we know people are viewing our information.  I personally think Gabe and I have a good grasp on the process and could control our emotions, but it's what our agency sees as the best way.

So that's our quick adoption update.  Let me know update everyone on the rest of our life:

Gabe has been at Camp Pendleton for the last 5 weeks for an advanced machine gun leaders course.  He started the end of October.  He says it is the hardest thing he has ever had to do.  Harder than bootcamp, worse than his initial infantry training class.  But the only good thing to come out of the class was a 4 day weekend for Thanksgiving.  So I made plans to fly out. It worked out really well.  I knew the area since we had lived there for a year after we were first married, so I felt comfortable renting a car on my own and finding my way around.  We had a great long weekend.  It was very relaxing and almost seemed like a mini honeymoon (baby-moon maybe??) because we had no schedule and did what we wanted, when we wanted. We spent thanksgiving with a a family that used to live in Colorado and went to Gabe's parent's home bible study. The matriarch was almost like a second mom to Gabe.  And the funny thing is, Gabe's sister married her son.  So I spent Thanksgiving with my sister-in-law's in-laws.  We had a great time and it was such a blessing to be welcomed into someone's home for the holidays.

Thanksgiving 2013

Aside from Thanksgiving, we went to see a movie, ate at some of our old favorite places, and Gabe and I went to the Melting Pot and had a 4 course fondue experience.  It was my birthday, our anniversary (both which Gabe had missed), as well as a nice meal before Gabe deploys.  He called ahead of time, and we had an intimate corner booth with candles and rose petals.  He's a keeper!

Our table: I couldn't get the whole table, so this photo doesn't do it justice.

A funny story to leave you with.  I flew into San Diego about noon and got to our hotel on base (which was extremely impressive) where I waited for Gabe to tell me he was off for the weekend.  He texted me and told me he would be off in an hour and a half.  So I waited an hour, then drove to pick him up which took about half and hour.  I texted him letting him know I was sitting in the car.  Let me paint a picture: His class is at the military SOI school.  This is where ALL infantrymen got after bootcamp for a 3 month training that is more focused than bootcamp.  So it's lots of young guys wandering around in uniforms, all super modo and recently indoctrinated. There aren't girls around.  So I decided to stay in the car.  So I waited...and waited...and waited.  3 hours later....Gabe shows up, but he hasn't packed.  Apparently plans changed and they just had a spontaneous lecture.  So I wait a bit more while he packs.  Ok, punchline: After Gabe packed, he saw "my" car with the trunk open.  So he threw his bags in the trunk, shut the trunk, and jumped in the passenger seat.  He turned to the driver and say "Hey honey....?"  Yeah, it wasn't me.  Gabe thought I had been a sweetie and moved the car closer to him and opened the trunk for him. Well, Gabe profusely apologized to the poor lady whose passenger seat he had hijacked, and had to ask her to re-open the trunk for him!  Apparently someone else drove the same car, color and all. So the joke the whole weekend was he had better not get tired of me and get in a car with some other girl.

Gabe graduated from his course yesterday.  #2 in his class!! Yes, I'm bragging on him because he would never do it himself. I'm so proud of him for sticking it out when others failed and were cut from the class.  He had to hike Pendleton mountains with the massive weight of added gear and weapons.  He had to hand write a 72 page defense strategy (at least I think that's what it was).  He had to camp outside with a horrible cold with no access to medicine for a week. All while having to deal with others' stupidity along the way.  That type of dedication, discipline, and hard work is what I am thankful for this year.  With traits like that, I know I have the perfect partner for me to complete not only this adoption process, but the remaining years of my life.