Friday was suppose to be baby day. But the time it took to prep the birthmom's body before the pitocin turned into Saturday. We had been getting updates from the birthmother until the labor started. I had a fear they weren't ready to let the baby go, but because everything was going smoothly, I tried to focus on how faithful God had been. The updates I was getting weren't super detailed, but they contained promised to keep me in the loop. When I stopped receiving updates, I gently asked for them and got no response. Knowing they were probably in labor, I tried to be sensitive and not crowed them. Finally I called our agency and told them I hadn't heard anything. They did some checking and told me the baby had been born sometime Saturday but the birthparents weren't responding to texts or calls. I went into shock. I didn't know if they had changed their minds, or if they were saying their goodbyes, or if there was a miscommunication and they assumed I was at the hospital and that the baby was laying alone in the nursery. I went to bed not knowing, but in my heart, I knew it was over. Then early this morning I got the confirmation that they were keeping the baby.
Gabe and I both find it hard to be bitter towards the birthparents. I think they were genuine in their plan and they received nothing from us or the adoption agency. They are a great couple, and I'm sure the baby will grow up in a loving home. We struggle with the lack of communication that took place especially because we had such a candid open relationship already established. And there should have been more communication between the hospital and our agency (I should not have been the main point of contact during the whole ordeal). But the birth mom did text me to apologize and let me know they didn't plan for it to happen, as well as contacting our agency. I responded that while we wish she had felt she could have let us know sooner, we didn't hold any ill well towards her and we wished her the best. And we will just leave it at that.
I struggle with the feelings that come from being open and sharing our lives with people. Everyone around us gets to have the joy of making birth announcements, of posting pictures, of sharing their life's joys with others. We lived the first 2 years of our journey in fear of sharing with others because it was so personal. When we made the leap of faith to start adoption, sharing our news was such a healing moment in a way and I decided to let people in so our struggles weren't in vain; that someone else could hear our story and it could help them move forward in a positive way. And we knew that God would use it to bring glory to him. That's all we wanted. So with our openness blowing up in our face, I feel that the bubbly, open personality I have appears as immaturity and naive. I know that's not the case, but I still worry about it. That I will become that silly woman people gossip about. And I hate drama, and I feel that my life has burst into a big ball of it.
Right now, Gabe and I are both heartbroken and am struggling with the distance between us and the inability to support each other as much as we want to. I think we are both going to unplug for a bit to heal. We have decided to become hermits from the world for a bit, but I think 2 people being hermits together defy the definition of a hermit. I can't express how exhausted we are in our journey to create a family, and we don't know where we go from here. Our heads know God's truths, but our hearts hold so many questions.
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