My Shoebox Perspective

I wanted to take a break from the normal adoption blog (nothing new to report) to write something that is personal to me.  What is more personal than our adoption journey you may ask?  My husband's adoption story. I have some thoughts running around in my head that I wanted to put to paper.  It might never be read because to convince my husband to share things online is nearly impossible.

It's Christmas season and the new rage is the Samaritan's Purse Christmas boxes.  It is such a wonderful ministry and such a practical way for parents to teach their children about giving.  It's a ministry that means so much to because 20 years ago my husband was the little boy opening that gift on Christmas.

20 years ago, my husband was growing up in an orphanage in the Philippines.  He was adopted when he was 12, but surprisingly (or by the grace of God) he doesn't have many memories of his childhood.  He has bits and pieces, but most of them are scary or leave him blaming himself for the actions a child isn't responsible for.  He remembers a few good things, but most of his hazy memories break my heart.  He is so matter-of-a-fact when he talks about it.  It was his normal. It is his story - he doesn't know anything different.  But to hear how his childhood differed from mine, it brings me to tears.  My sweet, strong husband has scars on his legs that resemble cigarette burns and he has marks on his back that look like scars, but he has no memory of what happened.  He remembers eating rice with one small piece of meat.  He would save the meat for the last few bites, then take teeny tiny bites, trying to make it last as long as possible.  The stories about the unsanitary bathroom conditions...well, you can imagine.  To hear him talk, it wasn't so bad. Because it was his normal.  But when i look at him, all I see is the man I so desperately love. I know what he missed out on as a child and that pain kills me inside. The childhood that we dream of giving to our future children, he didn't get that.

His one vivid memory is Christmas getting a shoebox.  Inside was a plastic white plane.  I don't know if he even remember what else was inside because it was all about that plane.  Something so simple, but to him, it was the first toy that he didn't have to share.  The first toy that was his.  In that moment, he wanted to be a pilot.

To my husband, that might not be a huge moment.  To my underly expressive husband, he probably would describe it as"cool" or "a good day."  That moment may not have changed his world.  He didn't become a Christian in that moment....he probably didn't see God working in his life (what kid does).  That moment wasn't the moment he decided he wanted to join the military, be a family man, change the course of his life, or anything.  To him that gift was just a good memory.  But to me, that gift was a moment where someone showed love to that little boy that grew up to be the person I love more than life itself. To me, that moment was someone giving him a reason to smile.  To me, it was a moment where someone made a mark on his childhood so much that it is one of the only memories he has. So it's a big deal to me.

My husband's childhood affected the man he is today.  He hoards his care packages on deployment. He hates to be tickled. But he smiles when he talks about his toy plane. And now as a Believer, he can see how God showed him love years before he understood who God was.

6th Grade - Post adoption

To all the families participating in packing of shoeboxes: Thank You.  Even if you can't comprehend the full magnitude of what you are doing, Thank You.  Even if you aren't "religious" and are only doing it because it's what good people should do, Thank You. Honestly, you probably won't give a child a earth shattering moment that changes their destiny.  It will be one day out of the year, and then they will go back to their reality. But in that one brief day, you can make them smile. Make them forget about the worries that children shouldn't even be aware of. Give them one moment of pure joy. And most importantly, one Christmas memory to hold onto forever.  You are giving that to someone's future husband/wife. And hopefully if they come to Christ one day, they can look back and see He had his arms of love around them before they even understood who He was.

To the people who packed my husband's shoebox: I am forever in your debt.  That little boy grew up into such a good man.  You showed him love before anyone else had the chance.  Before his parents adopted him and he found his forever family.  Before he met me and allowed me into his life. Your small gift to a faceless boy helps my heart not hurt so much when I think about his life before his adoption. Thank you for investing your time and resources into giving him a small gift.  You invested not only in him, but in me and our future family as well.  May God repay you more than we ever could.

(When I asked Gabe if I could post this, I was shocked he said yes....no deletions, so censorship, he liked it. When I asked him why, he said if it brings awareness and more people pack shoeboxes, he is ok with that...so everyone go pack a shoebox!)

*Donate Now at: http://www.samaritanspurse.org/our-ministry/donate-online/?page=donate-online&section=operation-christmas-child

Rainbows and Promises

One of the most beautiful things about living in Hawaii is the rainbows.  We see them daily.  They are vibrant, low, and unlike any I've ever seen, unlike the far off, faint ones growing up on the plains. I see one almost daily on my drive to work, and on the drive home, there is one spot between 2 mountains that have the closest, vivid, and most brilliant rainbows that I've ever seen.  It is so low, you can see each color and it moves with you as you drive.  It gets closer until the prism starts to break up.
I have found a fascination with these rainbows.  To so many people, they are just a rainbow, an illusion of nature.  But to have the knowledge that is a promise from God, it makes me look at them in a different way.  At first, I took it for granted too.  Then one morning, driving to work, my eyes were opened in a new way. It became a daily stamp that God is still God.  He is someone who is current, actively a part of and working in the world today and not an old, stale story from the past with no relevance on my life today. Sure, the rainbow is his promise to us not to flood the world again.  We get that, it's old news.  But it's also his promise that he is still in charge, he is still in control. It is a daily stamp that he loves and cares about me. A daily love letter addressed to me.

One of the things I've been struggling with for years, is accepting that I am not promised a child. There is no promise in the Bible saying that any woman who desire a child will be given one. I've found that hard. There is no promise that when Gabe and I stepped out in faith that the outcome would be what we are wanting. God tells us he gives us what we need, not what we want. Maybe, it's his will that I won't have a child.  It's a tough pill to swallow some days. And it's a hard thing to reconcile in my mind some days. Knowing God wants to bless us, has promises for us, and here I am wanting something that is good but not being given it and having no guarantee if will ever happen.

Gabe and I are so blessed.  God has given us a beautiful life.  It isn't always easy, but I love it. But even loving our life and knowing we are blessed, I'm still like a child pouting about what I don't have. One of the things I've struggled with is knowing that God gives us what we need, but not promising to give us what we want.  I am not promised a child. No one is.  A child is a gift, a blessing.  But it's not promised.  While that's the truth, I think the enemy uses that truth to distract me.  This week, I realized I have been focusing on what I am not promised, instead of what I am promised.

Today, as I saw another gorgeous rainbow and had all these emotions, I realized I needed to go back and find the promises I have been given, and to focus on that.  And not just read the verses, but really dig into them. I think I'm taking them for granted on not seeing the full beauty of what they contain. So my goal is to go through and make a list of promises.  I know what God's promises me will outweigh anything else.

Shattered Dreams

Friday was suppose to be baby day.  But the time it took to prep the birthmom's body before the pitocin turned into Saturday. We had been getting updates from the birthmother until the labor started.  I had a fear they weren't ready to let the baby go, but because everything was going smoothly, I tried to focus on how faithful God had been. The updates I was getting weren't super detailed, but they contained promised to keep me in the loop.  When I stopped receiving updates, I gently asked for them and got no response.  Knowing they were probably in labor, I tried to be sensitive and not crowed them.  Finally I called our agency and told them I hadn't heard anything.  They did some checking and told me the baby had been born sometime Saturday but the birthparents weren't responding to texts or calls. I went into shock.  I didn't know if they had changed their minds, or if they were saying their goodbyes, or if there was a miscommunication and they assumed I was at the hospital and that the baby was laying alone in the nursery.  I went to bed not knowing, but in my heart, I knew it was over. Then early this morning I got the confirmation that they were keeping the baby.

Gabe and I both find it hard to be bitter towards the birthparents. I think they were genuine in their plan and they received nothing from us or the adoption agency. They are a great couple, and I'm sure the baby will grow up in a loving home. We struggle with the lack of communication that took place especially because we had such a candid open relationship already established. And there should have been more communication between the hospital and our agency (I should not have been the main point of contact during the whole ordeal). But the birth mom did text me to apologize and let me know they didn't plan for it to happen, as well as contacting our agency. I responded that while we wish she had felt she could have let us know sooner, we didn't hold any ill well towards her and we wished her the best. And we will just leave it at that.

I struggle with the feelings that come from being open and sharing our lives with people. Everyone around us gets to have the joy of making birth announcements, of posting pictures, of sharing their life's joys with others.  We lived the first 2 years of our journey in fear of sharing with others because it was so personal.  When we made the leap of faith to start adoption, sharing our news was such a healing moment in a way and I decided to let people in so our struggles weren't in vain; that someone else could hear our story and it could help them move forward in a positive way.  And we knew that God would use it to bring glory to him.  That's all we wanted.  So with our openness blowing up in our face, I feel that the bubbly, open personality I have appears as immaturity and naive. I know that's not the case, but I still worry about it.  That I will become that silly woman people gossip about. And I hate drama, and I feel that my life has burst into a big ball of it.

Right now, Gabe and I are both heartbroken and am struggling with the distance between us and the inability to support each other as much as we want to.  I think we are both going to unplug for a bit to heal.  We have decided to become hermits from the world for a bit, but I think 2 people being hermits together defy the definition of a hermit. I can't express how exhausted we are in our journey to create a family, and we don't know where we go from here. Our heads know God's truths, but our hearts hold so many questions.

Birth Day (Hopefully)!

If I thought the first half of the week was crazy, the last few days have been insane! But God continues to show that this whole situation is in his hands.

I woke up Wednesday and was going to call the bank that holds our adoption loan.  The previous night, I applied for a 2nd loan to cover attorney costs, but didn't know if it had been approved.  I had been up for half and hour and was just sitting down with my computer to contact the bank.  My phone rang and it was a loan officer.  She informed me that instead of taking out a 2nd loan with a second payment and interest rate, we could modify our existing loan and just add the funds to that.  Perfect! And it gets even better: Our monthly payment is only going to increase $1 a month. I had been so worried about being able to get funds quickly, but it was such a smooth start to my morning.  And especially after meeting the birthparents the night before, it was such a gift that God continued to show me that even in my apprehension, he has this whole situation covered.  It really allowed me to release my anxiety.

I spent the rest of the day contacting our homestudy provider to make sure our homestudy would be ready (and it is!!).  I contacted the lawyer and everything is working out smoothly with her.  And I contacted a lady from our new life church group whose husband is a firefighter.  She arranged for me to stop by the firehouse to have him check the car seat.  They don't do certifications here, but it just felt good to have someone, especially a 2 time dad, check it out.  I also made a special trip to purchase a small August birthstone necklace for our birth mother.  A spa gift card seems so cheap and fleeting compared to the lifelong gift she is giving me. I wanted something subtle, and something that wouldn't generate everyone asking about it....I don't want strangers constantly bringing up a painful moment in her, which could cause her to focus on that moment as something that defines her (it doesn't).

Mid afternoon, I decided I needed a break and headed over to a friend's house to hang out for a bit. This friend is a mom to 2 adorable boys, and her husband works with Gabe and is in Japan with him. She is lending me a moby wrap and showed me how to use it.  While we were hanging out, Gabe's mom texted me that her flight out of LAX was turned back after an hour and had an emergency landing due to the radios quitting over the ocean.  So her flight would be delayed 3 hours. Shortly after that, the birthmom called to let me know that the maternity ward was full, so the induction was pushed back a day (she has been great with keeping me in the loop). While this delay made my emotions yo-yo up and down again, it kinda was a God thing.  Gabe's mom came in late and we got to bed super late.  But it was nice to be able to sleep in and spend yesterday running Shaina errands (buying groceries, a chiropractor appt, mailing documents to the lawyer, etc). We also both got a nap in and spent the day enjoying each other's company and not so focused on the baby. And a day delay means that it will be Saturday in Japan, so Gabe should have the whole day off!

So today is birth day! The birth parents have been great with keeping me in the loop.  And they seem excited when we talk....like they are excited for me.  Jensen probably won't make his appearance until late tonight, but hopefully he will be here by midnight. I'm not quite sure what will happen at the hospital, and we'll just go with the flow.  If Jensen is born super late, consent forms probably won't be signed until Saturday morning.  That makes me a little anxious, but I'm giving it to God. If the birthparents are going to change their mind, I'd rather it happen now and not 4 months down the road.  But I feel confident and am not going to spend this beautiful day worrying about the what-ifs in life.

T-2 Days...Eek!

(Written last night....internet pooped out and would't let me post)

Today was a crazy day! It started as my last day of work.  As I left it, I am taking an indefinite leave of absence.  Since my job was a temp job, my boss is unsure if she wants to fill it until I get back, not re-staff the position, or fill it and potentially hire the new temp.  As we left it, she is going to do what she needs, and if I decide to get back in the workforce, I'll give her a call to see if she has a position for me. And if I decide to come back, we can cut my hours down to 20 a week, which would be about 6 hours a day for 3 days. It might sound complicated, but I feel good about it.  I can make up my mind when I cross that bridge without having to worry about anyone else relying on me. My boss has been surprisingly understanding of the situation, especially today when I told her it would be my last day instead of Friday like we originally agreed. 

I also spent the day trying to figure out what we are doing legally.  It turns out, there is like 1 lawyer in Honolulu that does live birth adoptions.  Most family law firms do adoptions such as foster adoption or married spouses adopting each other's children.  I guess a live birth adoption is special due to termination of the parental rights?? I'm not quite sure I understand it.  But the lawyers who can do the duties are limited.  As to what a lawyer does, I'm still not sure.  She is retained by us and kinda represents us.  But it's not so much representation as it is getting all the paperwork through the court system.  Hawaii law says that once the parents sign a consent/termination paper, and I step up and show I am acting as a parent would, the consent is irrevocable right away. This is great because it means the court would be in our favor should the birthparents change their mind in a week.  So tomorrow, my goal is to meet with the lawyer and get everything taken care of.

I met with the birthparents tonight. I was so nervous to meet them, to see what they look like. I was so surprised.  Any worried of having an ugly baby are gone! I'll just say that Jensen isn't going to be a basketball player. We sat in Starbucks and talked for 2 hours. I learned more about them, we talked about the baby and everything that is upcoming, and we talked boundaries and fears.  I felt so calm talking with them.  We all feel we have a comfortable relationship, a good foundation that will hopefully lead to relaxed visits if we choose to go that route. Halfway through our conversation, Gabe FaceTimed me from Japan, so he got to talk with them for a few minutes, so that was really special.

Talking with the birth parents, I found out that the birth mother had been really tired for a while and super thirsty.  She went in for a routine dr. appointment and at the last minute they took an unplanned ultrasound, which lead to the discovery the fluid was low.  Another God thing.  As it looks right now, she is going to the hospital tomorrow evening to start on fluids, and will be induced Thursday morning. I think the baby will be right at 37 weeks and it didn't sound like the doctors were too worried about it. They will keep me updated and let me know when I need to head to the hospital.  But because she is only dilated 1cm, we are all aware that it could be a long process.  I offered to bring food and sit with the birth mother if the birth father needs to step out for a break, so we will see what happens. I left it as they can make the first move as to how active they want me.  I know it's an intimate movement for them too and I don't want to crowd them, hovering over ready to scoop up my baby.

There are definitely some fears that the birthparents aren't ready to say goodbye.  They seem so normal, sooooo similar to Gabe and I.  They seem so perfect in so many ways.  So it's hard to understand the decision they are making. I have been really anxious about it all night.  But I keep looking at all the God things, how he is weaving this intricate story.  It seems like he is going through alot of work to have it all fall through at the last minute.  So that's what I try to hold onto.