Rainbows and Promises

One of the most beautiful things about living in Hawaii is the rainbows.  We see them daily.  They are vibrant, low, and unlike any I've ever seen, unlike the far off, faint ones growing up on the plains. I see one almost daily on my drive to work, and on the drive home, there is one spot between 2 mountains that have the closest, vivid, and most brilliant rainbows that I've ever seen.  It is so low, you can see each color and it moves with you as you drive.  It gets closer until the prism starts to break up.
I have found a fascination with these rainbows.  To so many people, they are just a rainbow, an illusion of nature.  But to have the knowledge that is a promise from God, it makes me look at them in a different way.  At first, I took it for granted too.  Then one morning, driving to work, my eyes were opened in a new way. It became a daily stamp that God is still God.  He is someone who is current, actively a part of and working in the world today and not an old, stale story from the past with no relevance on my life today. Sure, the rainbow is his promise to us not to flood the world again.  We get that, it's old news.  But it's also his promise that he is still in charge, he is still in control. It is a daily stamp that he loves and cares about me. A daily love letter addressed to me.

One of the things I've been struggling with for years, is accepting that I am not promised a child. There is no promise in the Bible saying that any woman who desire a child will be given one. I've found that hard. There is no promise that when Gabe and I stepped out in faith that the outcome would be what we are wanting. God tells us he gives us what we need, not what we want. Maybe, it's his will that I won't have a child.  It's a tough pill to swallow some days. And it's a hard thing to reconcile in my mind some days. Knowing God wants to bless us, has promises for us, and here I am wanting something that is good but not being given it and having no guarantee if will ever happen.

Gabe and I are so blessed.  God has given us a beautiful life.  It isn't always easy, but I love it. But even loving our life and knowing we are blessed, I'm still like a child pouting about what I don't have. One of the things I've struggled with is knowing that God gives us what we need, but not promising to give us what we want.  I am not promised a child. No one is.  A child is a gift, a blessing.  But it's not promised.  While that's the truth, I think the enemy uses that truth to distract me.  This week, I realized I have been focusing on what I am not promised, instead of what I am promised.

Today, as I saw another gorgeous rainbow and had all these emotions, I realized I needed to go back and find the promises I have been given, and to focus on that.  And not just read the verses, but really dig into them. I think I'm taking them for granted on not seeing the full beauty of what they contain. So my goal is to go through and make a list of promises.  I know what God's promises me will outweigh anything else.

Shattered Dreams

Friday was suppose to be baby day.  But the time it took to prep the birthmom's body before the pitocin turned into Saturday. We had been getting updates from the birthmother until the labor started.  I had a fear they weren't ready to let the baby go, but because everything was going smoothly, I tried to focus on how faithful God had been. The updates I was getting weren't super detailed, but they contained promised to keep me in the loop.  When I stopped receiving updates, I gently asked for them and got no response.  Knowing they were probably in labor, I tried to be sensitive and not crowed them.  Finally I called our agency and told them I hadn't heard anything.  They did some checking and told me the baby had been born sometime Saturday but the birthparents weren't responding to texts or calls. I went into shock.  I didn't know if they had changed their minds, or if they were saying their goodbyes, or if there was a miscommunication and they assumed I was at the hospital and that the baby was laying alone in the nursery.  I went to bed not knowing, but in my heart, I knew it was over. Then early this morning I got the confirmation that they were keeping the baby.

Gabe and I both find it hard to be bitter towards the birthparents. I think they were genuine in their plan and they received nothing from us or the adoption agency. They are a great couple, and I'm sure the baby will grow up in a loving home. We struggle with the lack of communication that took place especially because we had such a candid open relationship already established. And there should have been more communication between the hospital and our agency (I should not have been the main point of contact during the whole ordeal). But the birth mom did text me to apologize and let me know they didn't plan for it to happen, as well as contacting our agency. I responded that while we wish she had felt she could have let us know sooner, we didn't hold any ill well towards her and we wished her the best. And we will just leave it at that.

I struggle with the feelings that come from being open and sharing our lives with people. Everyone around us gets to have the joy of making birth announcements, of posting pictures, of sharing their life's joys with others.  We lived the first 2 years of our journey in fear of sharing with others because it was so personal.  When we made the leap of faith to start adoption, sharing our news was such a healing moment in a way and I decided to let people in so our struggles weren't in vain; that someone else could hear our story and it could help them move forward in a positive way.  And we knew that God would use it to bring glory to him.  That's all we wanted.  So with our openness blowing up in our face, I feel that the bubbly, open personality I have appears as immaturity and naive. I know that's not the case, but I still worry about it.  That I will become that silly woman people gossip about. And I hate drama, and I feel that my life has burst into a big ball of it.

Right now, Gabe and I are both heartbroken and am struggling with the distance between us and the inability to support each other as much as we want to.  I think we are both going to unplug for a bit to heal.  We have decided to become hermits from the world for a bit, but I think 2 people being hermits together defy the definition of a hermit. I can't express how exhausted we are in our journey to create a family, and we don't know where we go from here. Our heads know God's truths, but our hearts hold so many questions.

Birth Day (Hopefully)!

If I thought the first half of the week was crazy, the last few days have been insane! But God continues to show that this whole situation is in his hands.

I woke up Wednesday and was going to call the bank that holds our adoption loan.  The previous night, I applied for a 2nd loan to cover attorney costs, but didn't know if it had been approved.  I had been up for half and hour and was just sitting down with my computer to contact the bank.  My phone rang and it was a loan officer.  She informed me that instead of taking out a 2nd loan with a second payment and interest rate, we could modify our existing loan and just add the funds to that.  Perfect! And it gets even better: Our monthly payment is only going to increase $1 a month. I had been so worried about being able to get funds quickly, but it was such a smooth start to my morning.  And especially after meeting the birthparents the night before, it was such a gift that God continued to show me that even in my apprehension, he has this whole situation covered.  It really allowed me to release my anxiety.

I spent the rest of the day contacting our homestudy provider to make sure our homestudy would be ready (and it is!!).  I contacted the lawyer and everything is working out smoothly with her.  And I contacted a lady from our new life church group whose husband is a firefighter.  She arranged for me to stop by the firehouse to have him check the car seat.  They don't do certifications here, but it just felt good to have someone, especially a 2 time dad, check it out.  I also made a special trip to purchase a small August birthstone necklace for our birth mother.  A spa gift card seems so cheap and fleeting compared to the lifelong gift she is giving me. I wanted something subtle, and something that wouldn't generate everyone asking about it....I don't want strangers constantly bringing up a painful moment in her, which could cause her to focus on that moment as something that defines her (it doesn't).

Mid afternoon, I decided I needed a break and headed over to a friend's house to hang out for a bit. This friend is a mom to 2 adorable boys, and her husband works with Gabe and is in Japan with him. She is lending me a moby wrap and showed me how to use it.  While we were hanging out, Gabe's mom texted me that her flight out of LAX was turned back after an hour and had an emergency landing due to the radios quitting over the ocean.  So her flight would be delayed 3 hours. Shortly after that, the birthmom called to let me know that the maternity ward was full, so the induction was pushed back a day (she has been great with keeping me in the loop). While this delay made my emotions yo-yo up and down again, it kinda was a God thing.  Gabe's mom came in late and we got to bed super late.  But it was nice to be able to sleep in and spend yesterday running Shaina errands (buying groceries, a chiropractor appt, mailing documents to the lawyer, etc). We also both got a nap in and spent the day enjoying each other's company and not so focused on the baby. And a day delay means that it will be Saturday in Japan, so Gabe should have the whole day off!

So today is birth day! The birth parents have been great with keeping me in the loop.  And they seem excited when we talk....like they are excited for me.  Jensen probably won't make his appearance until late tonight, but hopefully he will be here by midnight. I'm not quite sure what will happen at the hospital, and we'll just go with the flow.  If Jensen is born super late, consent forms probably won't be signed until Saturday morning.  That makes me a little anxious, but I'm giving it to God. If the birthparents are going to change their mind, I'd rather it happen now and not 4 months down the road.  But I feel confident and am not going to spend this beautiful day worrying about the what-ifs in life.

T-2 Days...Eek!

(Written last night....internet pooped out and would't let me post)

Today was a crazy day! It started as my last day of work.  As I left it, I am taking an indefinite leave of absence.  Since my job was a temp job, my boss is unsure if she wants to fill it until I get back, not re-staff the position, or fill it and potentially hire the new temp.  As we left it, she is going to do what she needs, and if I decide to get back in the workforce, I'll give her a call to see if she has a position for me. And if I decide to come back, we can cut my hours down to 20 a week, which would be about 6 hours a day for 3 days. It might sound complicated, but I feel good about it.  I can make up my mind when I cross that bridge without having to worry about anyone else relying on me. My boss has been surprisingly understanding of the situation, especially today when I told her it would be my last day instead of Friday like we originally agreed. 

I also spent the day trying to figure out what we are doing legally.  It turns out, there is like 1 lawyer in Honolulu that does live birth adoptions.  Most family law firms do adoptions such as foster adoption or married spouses adopting each other's children.  I guess a live birth adoption is special due to termination of the parental rights?? I'm not quite sure I understand it.  But the lawyers who can do the duties are limited.  As to what a lawyer does, I'm still not sure.  She is retained by us and kinda represents us.  But it's not so much representation as it is getting all the paperwork through the court system.  Hawaii law says that once the parents sign a consent/termination paper, and I step up and show I am acting as a parent would, the consent is irrevocable right away. This is great because it means the court would be in our favor should the birthparents change their mind in a week.  So tomorrow, my goal is to meet with the lawyer and get everything taken care of.

I met with the birthparents tonight. I was so nervous to meet them, to see what they look like. I was so surprised.  Any worried of having an ugly baby are gone! I'll just say that Jensen isn't going to be a basketball player. We sat in Starbucks and talked for 2 hours. I learned more about them, we talked about the baby and everything that is upcoming, and we talked boundaries and fears.  I felt so calm talking with them.  We all feel we have a comfortable relationship, a good foundation that will hopefully lead to relaxed visits if we choose to go that route. Halfway through our conversation, Gabe FaceTimed me from Japan, so he got to talk with them for a few minutes, so that was really special.

Talking with the birth parents, I found out that the birth mother had been really tired for a while and super thirsty.  She went in for a routine dr. appointment and at the last minute they took an unplanned ultrasound, which lead to the discovery the fluid was low.  Another God thing.  As it looks right now, she is going to the hospital tomorrow evening to start on fluids, and will be induced Thursday morning. I think the baby will be right at 37 weeks and it didn't sound like the doctors were too worried about it. They will keep me updated and let me know when I need to head to the hospital.  But because she is only dilated 1cm, we are all aware that it could be a long process.  I offered to bring food and sit with the birth mother if the birth father needs to step out for a break, so we will see what happens. I left it as they can make the first move as to how active they want me.  I know it's an intimate movement for them too and I don't want to crowd them, hovering over ready to scoop up my baby.

There are definitely some fears that the birthparents aren't ready to say goodbye.  They seem so normal, sooooo similar to Gabe and I.  They seem so perfect in so many ways.  So it's hard to understand the decision they are making. I have been really anxious about it all night.  But I keep looking at all the God things, how he is weaving this intricate story.  It seems like he is going through alot of work to have it all fall through at the last minute.  So that's what I try to hold onto.

Post-Match Weekend Madness

As I sit here, I am completely exhausted. The emotions this past week have been surreal. All the waiting, all the joy, all the support and love...it's tangible grace on steriods!

My last post, I wrote it earlier than it was posted.  I wanted it ready for our big announcement.  But I had to wait almost a full week from knowing we were pretty much matched to having that confirmation.  It about killed me! But God placed in my life this wonderful man who can read me better that anyone else, and he calmly had us pray when the emotions got too much. (Thank you Lord for such a man as Gabe!)

My weekend has been ridiculous! On Saturday, I dropped Gabe off at 5am for his flight to Japan. I went home and got a few hours sleep, then called my mom as I was getting ready for the day. While on the phone with her, an email popped up on my phone saying we had a confirmed match! It was so cool to share that moment with her, especially since otherwise I would have been alone.  And I didn't waste anytime.  I had my profile picture changed in less than a minute, followed quickly by the blog post! I couldn't wait any longer, 6 days was long enough for me.  The emotions and phone calls to people quickly became overwhelming, but I was told the birthparents would call me that day, so I cancelled all my plans and stayed home.  They never called, but I got the best sleep I've had in a week.

Sunday, I went to church.  After the service, I asked the pastor to introduce me to some of the ladies in the church (all I knew were some guys from the softball team Gabe and I have been participating in).  Pastor Brad introduced me to one gal, who introduced me to 2 more.  They were all part of a couple's group that meets every other Sunday night.  Gabe and I have been meaning to attend, but the softball games have been conflicting. 

After church, I went with a Marine wife to Babies R Us to finish my registry.  Her husband works with Gabe and is gone to Japan too.  She is a Christian and has 2 boys.  We had a great time getting to know each other more.  As we were checking out with a few essential items for a diaper bag, I got an email saying the stroller/car seat Gabe had his heart set on was going to be discontinued.  I knew they had one in the store because I had been debating buying it.  I quickly got it and we left.

About 2 hours after getting home from shopping, our birthparents called.  They opened the conversation saying, "We have some news for you but don't freak out....." Amazingly, God put his had of calmness on me and I didn't start freaking out.  They told me they had been to the dr. that week and her amneotic fluid was low.  She has quit her job, and is on bed rest (ish), while drinking fluids.  They wanted to tell me the baby could be here a week from tomorrow (Monday).  They didn't want me to freak out about not being prepared and because it was all happening so quickly. In my mind, I'm thinking, "Ok, this is fast but let's go! I've waited long enough!"I think they were scared I was going to bail ship on them. They have another dr. appointment tomorrow to see if there has been improvement.  I'm not sure if the dr. is thinking induced labor or c-section or what.  Right now JJ is measuring at 36-37 weeks and is 6lbs.  So the dr. is not wanting to go past 38 weeks.  Hearing all this is scary, but Gabe's sister had both her girls super early and they were 100% healthy, even at under 5lbs.  The birthmother is short at 5'2", so I'm not too worried about it. And, with the baby coming early, that could be the answer to our trip home for the wedding, given Gabe still is given time off work and the baby is healthy.

My talk with the birthparents was again amazing.  I am blown away by their maturity of the situation and their ability to see it from our view as well.  They made it clear that we are the mother and father, and that they will abide by our boundaries.  I didn't have to tell them, they already knew and expected it.  I'm assuming adoption can be messy with boundaries and stuff, but I feel like we have the perfect couple to face it with.  They are respectful, insightful, and they just get it. If we are to go through this, I'm glad it's with them.  It's a best case scenario.  So much better than I expected, especially after learning they are married. SUCH an answer to prayer.

After that phone call, I rushed off to the couple's group.  5 couples from our church, all with kids. They were so welcoming and made me feel comfortable which I appreciated, especially without my buffer Gabe to hide behind. They were all interested in the adoption want to be there for me. Most are military but different branches, and one is a fire fighter. I can just see myself clicking with the group and fitting in.  The hostess has a 4 month old daughter and started giving me stuff to get by like a rock and sleep and a sling and stuff.  I was overwhelmed again by God's provision and guidance.  To have total strangers come along side me because we are all family because we are God's family, it's pretty cool to witness.  I feel a bit guilty being the new one in the group and coming in with such immediate needs, but I guess that's life. But another answer to prayer to find a mommy jackpot and see their desire to help if/when needed.

God is still providing.  I've overwhelmed by the provision in so many different ways and areas of my life.  I almost want him to hit the pause button because mentally I can't take anymore! I feel so undeserving of it all, but am so thankful the dark valleys weren't for nothing.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support.  I am so blessed to have so many friends and family all over the world.  I have a beautiful life and an big part has to do with you guys. 

My cup runnth over.

Finally, The Downward Slope

About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I was feeling discouraged about our adoption. We've been signed up for a year and a half and no one had expressed interest in us.  I had spent the weekend updating our birthmother letter and website to show we had moved from Missouri to Hawaii. I spent the morning praying and expressing my discouragement to God, just feeling exhausted with how long we have been just waiting. I went to my computer and was surprised to find a message in my inbox from our agency.  A birth mother coordinator had written us that a family wanted to learn more about us!
Over the course of the next few days, I learned more about the birthparents and answered some of their questions via email (all through the coordinator).  Few days later we set up a time for the 4 of us to talk on the phone. We talked for an hour and it was amazing.  The first thing they wanted to know was if we saw marriage as a life-long commitment.  Then they wanted to know how our marriage was, and it went from there.  They are very similar to Gabe and myself and talking to them didn't feel awkward at all. We actually didn't discuss the baby very much.  Mostly, we answered questions, asked a few, and just got to know each other. The birth parents are very educated, articulate and you can hear the love they have for their baby.

After the phone conversation, we didn't hear anything for over a week.  We started to doubt ourselves and play the 'what-if' game. We handled it pretty well, but the feeling of not knowing was heavy.  Do we start prepping for a baby? If so, how far do we go? We didn't want to go all in and look like fools if it didn't work out.  Finally, we took an evening out to get away from distractions and focus on each other.  We found a quiet Thai restaurant and we talked.  I finally came to the realization that this baby is God's, regardless of who raises him. So we just gave him to the Lord and let go of the illusion of control.  And yes, it is an illusion.

Monday morning we got a email from our coordinator saying the birth mother agreed to move forward with us! So, I can officially say that we are having a baby boy!

Yes, that does say Sept 18, as in less than a month away!

God's hand has been so heavy in all of this.  Here is a recap of his sovereignty.

• Birth parents live 10 minutes away from us.  This means the baby can come straight into our house after discharge from the hospital.  It also means we don't have to travel to and from the state the baby was born in for the birth and finalization of the adoption and have those expenses; because everyone involved lives in Hawaii, there is no red-tape between states. What a blessing because it would get expensive quickly, and it will be nice to settle in within our own home.

• Baby is due Sept 18th.  My prayer for several months has been that God would give us a baby on a day of significance, as a way of forever reminding me that he had everything under his control even when I couldn't see it.  My birthday is Sept 21.  I have had to slightly retract this prayer as my sister is getting married Sept 27th and we have tickets to fly home.  So we hope the baby can (naturally) come early but only if it is safe for everyone involved.

• Our September trip home for my sister's wedding would include time with both our families.  It is the only trip we have planned to see our families and it is doubtful they would be able to visit us in the future. But if for some reason this trip doesn't work out, we want to reschedule it for some future date.

• Gabe and I have had the worst time picking out a baby boy name. In 2010 we picked one name and never changed it.  JJ. From there, we picked out the name James, and finally Jensen.  Jensen James will be our name.  This is super cool because both birth parent's name start with J.

All that being said, it's still a little overwhelming to think about.  Gabe is leaving for 3 weeks to lead a military competition in Japan.  He could possibly be gone when the baby is born. But God knows this. And we want to travel home for the wedding, but it depends on a lot of factors.  I see it as if the baby was born in Texas, we would be flying home when the baby was 2 weeks old. So if the baby is that old and the dr. says it's ok, we might try to go home.  But being a parent means your child is the first priority, and it starts now. I'm not flying with a 3 day old baby! But God knows all this and he as spun this story beautifully, he won't overlook this detail.

Thanks to everyone who has prayed for us and shared in this journey. It has been an emotional few weeks. The past few years have seemed like such a long trail, but the downward slope has us at a run. I am glad I won't have lots of time to plan because I can get too wrapped up in the planning and it can overwhelm me. And besides, I've done enough waiting, right? Continue to pray as nothing is concrete until the baby is born, so there is always a chance they could change their mind. We just want God's will in the situation to be done regardless of the outcome, so pray for protection over our hearts. Also, please pray for the birth parents as it has to be a difficult time. They seem like a beautiful couple and we want nothing but the best for them.

Hawai'i Life

Look whose back! I praise God that Gabe and his unit arrived home safely mid-June.

Just off the bus!

Since Gabe's return, our life kicked back into full gear. Gabe took a week off work and we spent the time setting up the house, at the beach, and just adjusting to each other. We have adjusted really well and I feel we are closer than ever.  One of us will see something and make a comment in our head.  Right away, the other will make the same comment.  It has happened too many times to count, and it makes me smile each time because it is proof that distance didn't change us or break us apart.

Gabe took me to Waikiki for a day.  Lots of shopping and touristy things, but there is no parking, and was so hot! We spent the day wondering around and ended the day at a nice restaurant where we ate on the beach.

Waikiki

We also had the honor of spending 4th of July at Pearl Harbor Base (not memorial). Fireworks are not allowed on base, and Pearl Harbor had a widely advertised event for military families.  Security was high. No cameras, No backpacks.  Even purses were limited to a clutch size. Oour water bottles weren't even allowed....until they ran out of water for purchase. We had lawn chairs (thanks mom), and just enjoyed watching people buzz around us. There were a few kid attractions, lots of food, and a 3 Doors Down concert that made us flashback to high school.  The fireworks were shot off of a docked navy vessel.  It was a short fireworks show, but there was something special about being at such a historic, patriotic place surrounded by people who are so similar to us in lifestyle.

Pearl Harbor Base: Navy Vessel is in the background to the left

My first fried twinkie. Gabe refused to even try a bite.

"Illegal" water bottles (Psyco is Gabe's unit nickname....Psyco Fox Co)

 We also spent this past month and a half to get our homestudy endorsed. We were blessed to find an agency that is using bits and pieces of our last homestudy while updating new information.  We didn't have to have references, but we had to do state and federal clearances again.  We also had to update our financial status and medical documents and other things like that.  It doesn't seem like alot, but everything takes time.  We had our home visit a few weeks ago and I think it should be written and approved quickly.

Most recently, I got a job! After 8 interviews, a temp agency found me a job as an HR assistant.  A small company is looking to develop a HR department and needs someone to help start that department. Right now, the VP is also in control of the HR department, but it has become too much for her and she needs to delegate some duties. Today was only my 3rd day of work, and I love it! I work 6 hours a day and the job feels like a career. I'm hoping this temp-to-hire turns into a permanent job.

 Overall, life is good.  We have great neighbors, have a great location both on base and on island, and we are settling in. All the pieces are settling in.

Aloha!

Well, I have officially made it to Hawai'i! It was quite an adventurous trip and settling in has taken longer than I anticipated.  But here is a run down on my traveling adventure.

I left Springfield mid-May and traveled to Omaha to spend some time with some friends and had the honor to witness a very dear friend marry her dream man. It was a great time of seeing friends I hadn't seen in years, and gave me a break from responsibility for a few days before the craziness started.

From Omaha, I drove to St. Louis.  I arrived at my hotel and spend the evening cleaning my car out and running to Target for last minute things: snacks for the plane, a water bottle, etc.  The next morning I drove my car a few miles away to ship it.  I was so nervous that I would get there and my paperwork would be outdated or invalid.  But an hour later, my car was checked over and I was good to go.  I was even complimented that for the age of my car, it was in unheard of condition (a genetic OCD thing I inherited from my dad). After my car was checked in, the shuttle from my hotel picked me up. The next morning, the shuttle took me to the airport. AND then the craziness started.

After getting up at 4:30am, we made it to the airport on time.  We, as in: Gibbs, a huge kennel, a even bigger suitcase, a roll-on carry-on, and myself. We get to the airline and there are NO carts outside.  None inside.  I start to freak out.  Well the shuttle guy unloads me and takes off. Because I have Gibbs, I can't do the curb-side check-in.  So I had to wait several minutes before someone from the airline could come get a huge cart and take me inside.  Once inside, there is a huge line and everyone is grumpy.  I was getting worried we would miss the 1 hour mark to check-in, but we barely made it. After Gibbs got checked over by TSA, they carted him away and I felt like a mom who had just dropped her kid off at a new daycare: free but worried.  I got to my gate to see the flight had been moved but no signs had changed. They were boarding by the time I got there. But then we were delayed because of fog in Dallas (my connection). All I could think of was it was more time for Gibbs to be locked up in a loud scary area.  Well, due to the delay, by the time I got to Dallas, I had to run for my connection which was in another terminal.  When I say run, i mean run. They were at least half boarded by the time I got there and I was freaking out that it wasn't enough time for Gibbs to get on the plane. And because I had to run for my flight, I didn't get to stop for anything to eat.  Thankfully some of Gabe's habits have rubbed off on me and I had some snacks.

My lap: Purse, Laptop, Snacks, Water bottle, Kindle, Book, and blanket from airline

The flight was pretty uneventful. I spent my time updating our adoption profiles, reading a book, and watching the on-flight movie.  I was just too on edge to sleep, then I was too tired to sleep. After we landed, I found baggage, and got a shuttle to my rental car.  After a quick check-out with the car, I proceeded to try to locate the building where I was to pick Gibbs up.  That took awhile and was frustrating.  But once I found it, I was in and out in 10 minutes with Gibbs, who did not smell all that pleasant.  The airport has strict rules about not allowing animals outside their kennels until you are off their property so the kennel was loaded straight into the car and all I could think about was finding a gas station to get him out and take out the nasty puppy pads taped on the bottom of the kennel.  So, to do that, I had to get off the interstate and drive around a bit.  I've heard stories about avoiding certain areas, but it was hard to tell if it was a bad area or not because everything just looks different...a bit older and worn.  I found a place, got Gibbs out, and cleaned up a bit. But the tiredness and the situation stressed me out alot. I had been so worried about Gibbs having another panic attack (he had one when our house was emptied), but he did awesome.  The whole trip, he listened better than he usually does, which is saying alot.

So after our detour, I had no idea where I was and my GPS took me on some side roads.  It was a pretty view, but by that point I was hating the island and hating the move, and hating Gabe for picking Hawaii.  So I got the base, found my hotel, and was a grump.  They wouldn't allow me to wash Gibbs in the tub, I couldn't get an appointment to get him washed, and my tiredness made the whole issue of Gibbs being dirty a million times worse than it really was.  So I ran to the store and got cleaner to clean the crate (at least get rid of that smell), and some refreshing spray for Gibbs.  I was in the store, about to pass out (remember, I hadn't had a meal, just snacks), glaring at every person in uniform.  Got back to my room and decided I would run someone over if I drove out for food, so I ordered a pizza.  Guess what? They brought the wrong pizza.  But I ate it and went to bed after being up for 20 hours.  So that way my "welcome to the island".

After  I got some sleep, the next day was better.  I was up reaaaaallllly early (5 hours behind), so I made some calls early and got Gibbs a grooming appointment right away.  So I took him down to a town close to the base, dropped him off, then traveled back to base to go to the housing office to get the keys to our house. That didn't take long.  I really do like our house.  We have a grassy area right in front of us, with a golf course, restaurant, and mini golf right across the road.  Behind us, is a block of grassy areas and a playground.  So lots of places to walk with Gibbs right close to the house.  We are also a 2 minute drive from a dog park, the shopping areas and the beach. And we are close enough to the gym and Gabe's work that he can run or ride his bike to either. The house is set up like a townhouse and it is a good size for what we need.

Unfortunately, our household goods weren't going to arrive on time, but the housing office offered loaner furniture.  BUT they didn't have time to deliver it before Tuesday (this was Thursday).  This means no pots and pans, no basic cooking supplies.  No bed or blankets.  Just a stove, fridge, and microwave. I did some shopping for paper products, a pillow and blanket, and freezer meals.  I picked up a clean Gibbs, and we started to settle in. The first thing we did was try to get cable and internet because we had NOTHING. But that didn't come for a few days.  So it was a really really boring first few days.  We drove around, checked out the library and shopping areas, but there wasn't much to do and I didn't want to explore too far away from home without Gabe.

My set up for the first night: frozen lasagna, movie on the computer, and my "bed"

After 2 days of nothingness, I got cable (we didn't have a TV, so I bought one on a great sale).  A day or two later, I got internet.  Then finally, Tuesday rolled around and I got my loaner furniture! Upgrade!!

Upgrade!

So I spent a week of nothingness.  I went to the library to print off documents for our home study, I registered Gibbs with the city/county of Honolulu and on base, and did small errands like that. But there was only so much I could do without Gabe.

I got a call our furniture was here, but they couldn't deliver for a week, which put it the day after Gabe got home.  I was bummed but my mom helped me see that it could be fun to set up our home together.  Well, I got a call a few days later saying they could deliver the day before Gabe got home and I jumped at the chance! As far as he knew, he was coming home to an empty home with the movers coming the next morning.  So I was excited to surprise him.  They came and got everything unloaded in 3 hours.  There was an issue with the bed frames: they stripped some screws so the mattresses couldn't go on the bed until we got replacements. But thankfully our bedroom is ginormous and had the space for a queen sized frame and a mattresses on the floor.

Our bedroom is big enough for 2 beds...I'm spoiled!

So that's the run-down on my crazy trip out here.  I know people always ask me how I did it.  It went so much smoother than I had prepared myself for.  And even though my lack of sleep had me hating the place for the first 6 hours, everything is ok now and I'm slowly enjoying it more and more.

Moving Time!!

So, the last few posts have been an example of how God has reminded me He is in control and working things out. Our home was such a beautiful tangible example. And yet, He has had to remind me and teach me the same lesson already.  Being human has made it too easy to let the waves of life consume me and take all my attention.

Before the movers came, I put my huge table on craigslist.  Huge, as in massive.  It was a 58" x 58" pub size table with 8 oversized chairs.  I loved the table, but it was big in our house and not knowing if it would even fit in our future home and having a weight limit for the house, it was easier to just sell it.  I had a scammer at first, so I lowered the price to get away from being a target, and I got a hit! I texted with a lady and her husband was coming to pick it up.  I was a bit nervous because I usually don't have someone come to my house for craigslist, but how was I going to get this table to a walmart parking lot? I had a friend over and had my pepper spray handy.  When the husband came, the first thing he said is that he knew our neighbors....the only neighbors I know! He crossfit at a local gym and I think Gabe had even crossfitted with him. So that made an uncomfortable situation feel lots better. And the cherry on top was the wife texted me a picture of the table all set up in her gorgeous living room.

Today was packing day! I was really nervous and didn't know what to expect.  I wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be. I had dishes in the dishwasher, rooms weren't clean, piles of donate/sell were next to piles of keep stuff. I was dreading morning to come.  I had 3 movers arrive and they immediately split up and tackled the house. I was presently surprised to see a lady who came in and did our kitchen.  A huge bodybuilder guy worked on the master bedroom, and a quiet awkward man did the spare bedrooms. They are ROCKSTARS! I had my house packed in 5 hours.  Everything. Garage too. They had a system and didn't really want or need my help.  I did a few things like take the curtains down, but they had everything under control and I felt like I was hovering.  The lady who I was talking with as she packed my whole kitchen in under 2 hours (which is amazing because I have about every gadget possible) told me that their job is to do everything and I'm just suppose to sit down and relax.  And I did.  Beat a few levels of Candy Crush too. But in the midst of so much stress, most of which is self-imposed, a situation that made me feel like I was drowning at first turned into a relaxing walk in the park.

Kitchen boxes

There are still a few things to figure out.  I'm not allowed to take any candles, batteries, light bulbs, scentsy wax packets, opened chemical cleaners, nail polish, anything flamible, etc.  So I have to sort through all those things and give away or toss them all.  Also, as a goverment move, they are required to use their own packing supplies.  So any old boxes I had in the garage or attic weren't used, so I have to get them broken down and given away. Also, lots of donation stuff that needs to find a home.  It's not too overwhelming, but I have to get it done by Tuesday and it will be several trips. BUT, I think I found someone to take all the boxes and have a pick-up scheduled for my donation pile. It will get done, it just takes time and planning.
Later in the evening, I missed a phone call from the housing office in Hawaii.  I was at dinner with some friends and started to freak out! After I actually listened to the voicemail start to finish, I learned that I had 24 hours to accept a house they had open for us May 27th.  Gabe told me I was to take the first house offered.  But this was easy to say yes to because May 27th is the day I was planning on flying out anyways! AND, the house was in our first choice housing choice! It will either be a duplex or a quadplex. I'm not sure yet which one, but we will have a minimum 3 bedroom, 2.5 bathroom.  I'm excited about this particular house because the main floor is open, all the bedrooms are upstairs with the laundry room. It is a newer neighborhood. It's not as close to the beach as our 2nd choice, but they are almost brand new homes!

It's just little things like how the table sold to a "safe" person, a overwhelming situation turning into something I don't have to worry about at all, and getting a house at the perfect time. And I think being on a list for the house, we can have an address for Gibb's paperwork. And if not, Gabe got a friend who is going to let us use his address. It can be easy to overlook the lesson when I look at each situation separately; take for granted how everything works out. But seeing how everything is falling into place perfectly and all at once, it is so clear who is pulling all the strings. Yes, I'll need to be reminded at the next bump in the road.  And need to be reminded again when we focus on the adoption again.

PS: I wrote this super late....sorry if it has spelling/grammer (grammatical?) errors (Sam)

Under Contract

After receiving the offer last Tuesday (was it last week?) and spending some time going back and forth, our house is now under contract. We are set to close April 24th as long as everything goes well with the home inspection and appraisal! It has been such an answer to prayer

But after signing the papers, I went into complete overload. The pressure of working to get an acceptable offer, making decisions without Gabe, and the reality of moving were almost too much. It is very hard for me to turn my mind off on a normal day, so with so much going on I didn't sleep much for a few days. Thankfully, I have great friends who were able to calm me down.  I spent one night at a Joe Nichols concert and the next at a rodeo.  It was a great way to put my thoughts of scheduling and packing on a shelf and give myself time to reboot. And the topping on the cake is that I got some email contact with Gabe for a few days, so he's in the loop.

My life still has many unknowns, but at least I'm moving forward.  I am working with Gabe's old unit here in town to schedule shipping our household goods, my car, and the flight for Gibbs and me. And all are going to be at different times. But it's do-able.

The biggest decision now is whether or not to suspend our adoption.  We are given a 9 month hold for instances such as moving, having a baby, an emergency, or just any reason. During that time, we are not presented to any birthmothers and it doesn't count as time on our contract. We haven't made any decisions yet, but I did call and spoke with our coordinator and let her know what's going on in our life.  I've told her that we can't accept a baby before July. It was so hard for me to be ok with that, but it will take a month or more once I get to Hawaii to get a homestudy done again. Also, Gabe and I have been praying that we can prepare to be parents while we wait.  And part of being good parents is putting our child before ourselves.  And that starts now. Sure, I could say 'yes' to a baby tomorrow, but I'd be moving in April (out of our house), then moving again in June (to Hawaii). Not having stability for a child isn't good. It is so hard for me to make a conscience decision that keeps us from bringing home a baby sooner, but I know it's the right thing.

Lessons in Waiting Through Selling a House

In January, we started the process of putting our house on the market. It was very stressful for me because 1) I was doing it alone, and 2) when we bought our house, we didn't have a good realtor and were taken advantage of, and 3) selling our house changes so much with our adoption/moving plans. Our homestudy in Missouri is tied to this house, and while I could update it, that might not be worth it for just an added month or two. Also, once the house sells, obviously I have to be out so that could change my plans for when I move to Hawaii.  As it stands right now, May 25 is the earliest I can move because of Gibb's paperwork and one of my dearest friend is getting married May 24th (yes, you Emily!)

Well, the house sat on the market for almost 2 months with no viewings.  Lots of online activity, but no hits.  I started to think it would never sell, worry about the price (which we don't have lots of wiggle room,) and just the whole situation.  I felt we had bitten off more than we could chew.  While renting the house out was a backup option, that is a last resort in my mind. So I've just praying that God would help me trust in him.  I remember driving on evening petitioning him for patience and the ability to remember that He is bigger than the situation; that He was in charge.  I prayed to keep in the forefront of my mind that I didn't need 100 showings, just that 1 that was from Him. And I gave the situation over to him because as much as I just wanted to 'fix it' and 'make things happen' I can't.  I can't do anything to make this move faster (just like the adoption). So I surrendered the whole situation to Him.  But it was a daily surrendering.  A constant struggle not to make things happen but allow Him to work.

This past week, I've had my godchildren and their parents living with me while their house has some updates done (goodbye popcorn ceilings!). We had a great time but stayed up waaaay too late Friday night watching movies.  So we all slept in Saturday.  When I finally drug my sorry behind out of bed, I got a phone call for a viewing.  I said 'of course', hung up, and started freaking out!  Not only had I let the house go because of lack of viewings, but I had 4 extra people in my house with all their stuff. But I am so grateful they were here! They jumped in and helped get the house clean, even 'Bug' who walked around with a duster.  The house was in mint condition, even the back deck....so much more than I could have done alone in an hour and a half. Then we went out to eat so our adreneline could calm down.  A few hours later, I got a call for a 2nd viewing for Sunday! I was so excited!

Well, after the showing on Sunday, Monday came and went. And by 8 o'clock Tuesday, I'd given up and assumed no offer would be made. At 9pm, my realtor called to let me know an offer had been made! We talked all the details with that, and it's too low for me to accept.  But we are in informal talks explaining what I can do and what I can't.  And I'm excited.  I'll know more tomorrow. I'm just praying we can find a middle ground without scaring anyone away.  And I'm doing all this while Gabe is out of contact for the rest of the week, if not longer! So that is a little stressful.

But the point is, God pulled through just like I asked.  I asked for Him to take control of the situation and to help me trust in Him. To have the knowledge that He had full control of the situation and that I didn't need to worry about the number of showings, but to trust he would bring the 1 buyer at the right time. And He did! I'm in awe about how specifically I prayed about the number of showings and just needing the 1 buyer, and that's exactly how he answered.  Like it was a tangible way of reminding me of how big He is. And it gives me sooooo much encouragement for our adoption. We are praying in very similar ways: For God to bring us the right baby at the right time, and to have the patience to wait in prayer without trying to make things happen outside of His plan.

I just want to say thanks to all our friends and family out there who were specifically praying about our house situation. It means so much to have people to share our struggles and worries with and know they aren't just going to say they will pray; they actually do.  You prayer warriors are amazing!

Sharing Stories

Today, I had the privilege of attending a baby shower for a friend from church.  There were lots of wonderful ladies, some friendly faces, some I knew who they were but hadn't spoken to much, and even a few new faces.  It was a lovely time and I got to spend some time getting to know some ladies better.  One lady in particular was very interested to learn that we were adopted.  She had been adopted herself after years in the foster system and had trouble conceiving for several years. While I didn't learn every detail of those experiences, I found it heartwarming to hear someone else's story, hear they had a similar struggle, but mostly it was good to hear someone else has gone through the same emotions at I in certain times in their life.

Growing up, I knew a few kids that were adopted, but I never knew the circumstances as to the story behind their adoption.  I assume they were closed adoptions that happened around their birth. But it was something that wasn't really discussed.  Mostly because it was nobody's business to bring it up and as far as I knew, the parents never brought it up in conversation either.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I look back and wish I had heard more stories about adoption growing up. Mainly because I felt I had to keep our struggles a secret for so long and how it is almost ingrained in me for a long time not to talk about our struggles.  I think opportunities have been lost in some circles where people aren't comfortable to share their struggles and encourage others through it. It's so nice to know others have stood where you stand now, and they made it through!

That's probably why I blog.  It started as a way to keep people informed about our process because not alot of people in our lives know anything about adoption.  Then it slowly grew to be an outlet, and a way to force allow myself to be more open; a stretching tool.  But now, I just want our story to encourage someone else. A friend who is considering adoption.  Or just a random person who stumbles across this far from charismatic blog to find encouragement that they aren't alone.  It's hard to find a balance between being honest and not having a pity party some days.  But I want to express the hard days just as much as the good ones, but with a positive twist without emotions consuming my words.

So I would just encourage those who have an adoption story to share it, especially with me.  You never know who is just needing to hear someone else's story and be encouraged by it. It will connect you with people in a way that is hard to describe. It's an experience you share that most people can't understand. I know I just soak up each story and struggle I hear.  Each is different with its own ups and downs, struggles and joys.  But it opens my eyes to things to prepare for as well and the blessings in my life. And it takes away the feeling of loneliness and replaces it with a feeling of community. Sharing yourself with others is important.

Blessing in the form of Technology

With Gabe deployed, there are days I feel alone in our adoption process.  I feel like I am the only one living "the waiting game".  That I am the only ones who has emotions to deal with, and that I have to deal with them alone.  Yes, I have great friends, some who have even adopted themselves.  But Gabe is my partner in this.

So when Gabe informed me that he got a whole week off to enjoy his host country, I was really excited!  This means access to wifi, which means he can text, facetime, and facebook chat with me. While we have been able to sporadically email each other and receive an occasional satellite phone call, it's good to really feel connected at a deeper level. I am so thankful that if we have to be separated, it is in today's world and not in one where letters are the only form of communication.

We really got to talk about adoption tonight.  Just where we are in the process, sharing each other's concerns and fears. But most importantly, just encouraging each other to keep going. January marked 4 years that we have been trying to start a family. 4 years!! That's a long time to be planning and hoping, but not having it go anywhere.  Most people try for a few months, get pregnant, then have a baby 9 months later.  For them, it could be maybe a year of waiting for their blessing.  Not for us. That's why when we signed up for our adoption, it was so exciting.  We has silently been planning and hoping, but by signing up for adoption, (in our mind) it meant we would be parents.  We could start buying little things here or there.  Grab hand-me-downs from friends who have completed their families. And most importantly, we allowed ourselves to be more transparent and let people into our life more.

Flash forward 10 months.  Yes, it's been 10 months since we signed up. Honestly, I didn't think we would be waiting this long.  I really thought the process would speed along. But here we are. And I'm ok with that some days.  But others, I start to wonder if it will ever happen.  I'm so tired of the up and down emotions that started 4 years ago.  But it's not something I can just give up on, so the emotions  seems never ending. And I think in the emotional exhaustion, it is easy to turn that frustration on yourself and fault yourself. I can blame myself for physical issues.  I can blame myself for not being a good enough Christian (although I've spent lots of time in pray and there is always room to grow, I don't feel heaviness on my heart that I need to fix something in my life before I can be blessed with a child).  And these feelings can consume a person easily. And in those moments, I feel foolish for the shopping I've done. Silly for announcing (and blogging) to the world that we are adopting. Like we are all talk and it will never happen.

As Gabe and I talked about adoption, he brought up his concerns.  And they were exactly what I've been feeling.  His frustration in waiting.  Blame created by false guilt (which is not how God works). What a relief to know my partner in this is just as human as I am.  That he struggles in similar ways. It reminds me I'm not alone. We are in this journey together. We may not be able to hold hands and reassure each other, but we can talk in a way that feels like we are holding hands (thanks to technology). I have definitely been graced with the perfect partner to go on this roller coaster with.

Waiting...and shopping

Waiting.  My least favorite word. I am a go-getter, someone who makes things work.  When I know what I want, get out of my way because it's going to get done done, my way. And if there is any word that goes alongside 'adoption', it's 'waiting'.  And honestly, it sucks. And it's exhausting. Emotionally exhausting. But waiting doesn't sound exhausting; it sounds easy.  Relaxing, after all, it's just waiting.  It's not. It's intense and agitating!

I have been blessed with people all around us, supporting us.  And I have been blessed with the knowledge that my father in heaven has this whole plan worked out.  A plan that is going to blow my mind with how perfect it is.  A plan that will surpass any small dream I can come up with.  But sometimes, my emotions win.  Even when I have all the head knowledge, my heart hurts and I have a mopey (mopy?) day or two. I see all these beautiful families who have waited just like me.  Who have beautiful stories.  And I wonder how much longer I will have to wait?

In my time of waiting, I went through a phases of baby shopping. *cringe* 2 weeks ago, I went on a major binge. Like 3 stores. But in my defense, I returned 2 shirts to Kohl's and had Kohl's cash to spend, so I got 7 outfit sets for only $11! I just felt as if I needed to have a diaper bag ready.  While I didn't go buy diapers or wipes, I did go buy a....what's it called....the wrap that makes the baby a burrito...a swaddle.  That's it.  I bought a swaddle.  I also bought several onies that are like a sleepers. Is that a sleeper or a onies?  (Can you tell I need to learn the names of all these things?). I also purchased a few newborn bottles because they were on sale.  Everything Most everything is gender neutral and is a good start should we get a spontaneous baby. Oh, and did I forget to mention the amazing Nebraska Huskers onies and sleeper set I got? And to smooth things over with Gabe since this was a secret shopping spree, I bought a set of Bronco onies (Go Broncos, beat Seattle!). I know that this doesn't change anything, it doesn't speed up the process.  But in a week of struggling to wait, it was something that I could do. But, I think that was my first and last spending spree.  Gabe has told me in no uncertain terms that I am not allowed to buy anything else until we are matched.  I'm ok with that, mostly because when I worked up the nerve to tell him about my shopping adventure, he didn't get angry.  He just rolled his eyes and shook his head.  I can deal with that.

Newborn clothes from Kohls for $11.  The pink was too cute to walk away from.  (Secretly hoping for a girl!)

And for having an adoption journey blog, I wish I had more to write about. I hate having no updates. It is discouraging at times but as Gabe would say, it is what it is.


(Well, Gibbs just unhooked the power cord to my computer.  Must be my sign that it's enough for now)