Yesterday also marked the 2 year anniversary of getting matched with our failed adoption in 2014. In a way, 2 years sounds like a lifetime, but the effects of that experience will probably always affect me. I still pray for the little boy that was almost mine, and ask God to watch over him and bring someone into his life that speaks truth to him and leads him to Christ.
So that was yesterday. A reminder of the pain it took to get to the joys of today. And I'm glad God made me wait. *Cue Gasp* What? Did she just say that? Yes I did. This impatient, emotionally volatile self is glad I had to wait. And here's why: through waiting, I allowed God to give me his best.
When I say God's best, I don't mean that the little boy that almost was apart of our family wouldn't have made us happy. Or that we couldn't have loved and cherished any of the babies that found homes in the time we waited. I'm a firm believer that God would have blessed any of those situations. But he held out, making us wait 6 years for Kaylee. And by saying I'm glad I waited, it doesn't mean the waiting was enjoyable. It was painstakingly difficult and emotionally draining. I might not always understand why it took so long. He is in control of everything and had the foreknowledge. He could have had her be born years earlier. He could have made Kaylee our biological child. He could have done this or that. But it is becoming more clear every day that Kaylee was made to be apart of our family regardless of her genetics. She is a perfect fit.
So here's my list for some of the ways I got God's best:
- I got God's best in the timing. Gabe and I have had multiple conversations on this one. When we got the call for Kaylee, it was NOT the perfect time in either Gabe or I's careers. With the baby boy in 2014, everything seemed so perfect and it fell in to place so much easier. This time, Gabe had plans to leave for California for a few months, he was looking at a huge career move, and I was on the upward trend at work finally gaining respect. While Gabe has spent considerable time away since we got Kaylee, Gabe's career has taken a different direction and its more family friendly. I stepped away from my position at the end of May. Both decisions were made because of Kaylee, but they have been good decisions that we are thankful we made. But we wouldn't have made them without Kaylee. Also, with the timing of when we got Kaylee, it will give us enough time to finalize her adoption while still in Hawaii (another perk of Gabe's career going in a different direction) which will save us time, money, and stress. So in the moment, it didn't seem like the perfect time, looking back we are thankful for how it all worked out.
- I got God's best with no heads up. Kind of a crazy thing to be thankful for. But the timing worked in my favor because I didn't have a heads up. I didn't have time to plan anything or stress for months leading up to her birth. And through that, I think I changed the most. I'm not worried about anything. I don't stress in my parenting. I don't need to read a bunch of books. I'm NOT a go-with-the-flow person, but I've been going with the flow and its working out well. Kaylee grounds me. She makes me not so high strung. I think it's because she has taught me how to prioritize. Does she have a need? Yes. Then lets meet it...without being worried about what others think or how messy its gonna be or anything else. It's all about meeting her needs in that moment in the best way for her. Period. Nothing else matters. I think if I started out my parenting journey stressing about this being perfect or the timing of that, I would be a stressed out parent. Which Kaylee would sense and it could negatively affect her. So when it comes to timing, I am mostly thankful that it was a last minute placement. I'm thankful there was no heads up. And for anyone who knows me, they know what a life changing statement that is.
- I got God's best in my relationship with Kaylee's birth mom. When we first signed up to adopt, I immediately started praying for our future birth mother. I knew she was important, someone I would be tied to in a unique way for years. She would be someone that our child would be curious about and have many questions about. So because of that, I wanted an open adoption. I wanted some of the questions and what-ifs to be answered, hopefully giving our child a healthier sense of self and confidence. I also knew it could be a unique opportunity to love on someone and show them Christ. So we prayed for her. And we hit the jackpot. She is sweet, kind, and genuinely care for us as a family unit. When she knows Gabe is away, she longs to hear how excited he was to be home with his girls. She tells me she loves me and is thankful for me. She never tries to tell me how she thinks Kaylee should be raised. She isn't pushy and I've never felt threatened by her. She is thoughtful and gracious in ways that are beyond her years. I did the math this morning and Kaylee's birth parents would just be graduating high school when we signed up with our agency. If Kaylee would have been born then, Kaylee's birth mom may not have had the graceful spirit she has now. And that plays a HUGE part in my ability to communicate with her. So by waiting, I think we are both in a place to handle this complicated relationship in a way that is going to make our open arrange easier. Which will make it better for Kaylee, which is the whole purpose of it.
- I got God's best with the perfect baby. Halfway through our adoption journey I had a light bulb moment and changed how I was praying. I think it was also a moment I let go of the baby boy. I realized I had been praying for a baby that would be a perfect fit for us and our lives. I realized how selfish and twisted that was. Here I was, praying to be a parent and it was all about me. So I started praying for a child who we could give them what they need (instead of them fitting into our lives). Isn't that what the best parents do? Example: Good parents don't expect a child to flourish by the parent's love language. A good parent finds their child's love language and uses that to love on their children. I prayed that I would be the one person in the world that would have the right words and just the right moment that could alter our child's life. That one defining moment, the fork in the road. That God would give us a child that we could point them down the right path with someone else may have sent them down the other one. My prayers became about the best for my future child, instead of my wants. And in waiting for the baby I would be the best parent to, I got the perfect child. Kaylee looks like she belongs in our family. I forget that she is adopted or even the fact that she isn't Asian (proof love is blind). She is ridiculously ticklish just like her daddy. She is opinionated, chatty, and can be super stubborn like me. And the list goes on and on. It's easy to see that God created her to be in our family. We were even talking last night that she is happy, healthy, and she seems to know she is safe. That's all we want for her. But maybe the bonding would have been different with a different child which would have made it harder for them to be happy or to feel safe. And if that was the child we were given, we would work through it. But because we waited, I feel God rewarded us with the little "perks" that are not taken for granted; we see them as jackpots.
