I'm Glad God Made Me Wait

Yesterday, we celebrated Kaylee's 6 month birthday.  Time has flown by! She is on her 2nd round of teething (with nothing to show for it), eating baby food, and super close to crawling.  We are exhausted constantly but loving the growth and changes we see in her.  I'm so thankful I can be at home and not miss a moment.

Yesterday also marked the 2 year anniversary of getting matched with our failed adoption in 2014. In a way, 2 years sounds like a lifetime, but the effects of that experience will probably always affect me.  I still pray for the little boy that was almost mine, and ask God to watch over him and bring someone into his life that speaks truth to him and leads him to Christ.

So that was yesterday.  A reminder of the pain it took to get to the joys of today.  And I'm glad God made me wait.  *Cue Gasp* What? Did she just say that?  Yes I did.  This impatient, emotionally volatile self is glad I had to wait.  And here's why: through waiting, I allowed God to give me his best.

When I say God's best, I don't mean that the little boy that almost was apart of our family wouldn't have made us happy.  Or that we couldn't have loved and cherished any of the babies that found homes in the time we waited.  I'm a firm believer that God would have blessed any of those situations.  But he held out, making us wait 6 years for Kaylee.  And by saying I'm glad I waited, it doesn't mean the waiting was enjoyable.  It was painstakingly difficult and emotionally draining. I might not always understand why it took so long.  He is in control of everything and had the foreknowledge.  He could have had her be born years earlier. He could have made Kaylee our biological child. He could have done this or that. But it is becoming more clear every day that Kaylee was made to be apart of our family regardless of her genetics.  She is a perfect fit.

So here's my list for some of the ways I got God's best:

1. I got God's best in the timing. Gabe and I have had multiple conversations on this one. When we got the call for Kaylee, it was NOT the perfect time in either Gabe or I's careers.  With the baby boy in 2014, everything seemed so perfect and it fell in to place so much easier. This time, Gabe had plans to leave for California for a few months, he was looking at a huge career move, and I was on the upward trend at work finally gaining respect.  While Gabe has spent considerable time away since we got Kaylee, Gabe's career has taken a different direction and its more family friendly.  I stepped away from my position at the end of May. Both decisions were made because of Kaylee, but they have been good decisions that we are thankful we made.  But we wouldn't have made them without Kaylee. Also, with the timing of when we got Kaylee, it will give us enough time to finalize her adoption while still in Hawaii (another perk of Gabe's career going in a different direction) which will save us time, money, and stress. So in the moment, it didn't seem like the perfect time, looking back we are thankful for how it all worked out.   
2. I got God's best with no heads up. Kind of a crazy thing to be thankful for. But the timing worked in my favor because I didn't have a heads up.  I didn't have time to plan anything or stress for months leading up to her birth.  And through that, I think I changed the most.  I'm not worried about anything.  I don't stress in my parenting.  I don't need to read a bunch of books.  I'm NOT a go-with-the-flow person, but I've been going with the flow and its working out well. Kaylee grounds me.  She makes me not so high strung.  I think it's because she has taught me how to prioritize.  Does she have a need? Yes. Then lets meet it...without being worried about what others think or how messy its gonna be or anything else.  It's all about meeting her needs in that moment in the best way for her. Period. Nothing else matters. I think if I started out my parenting journey stressing about this being perfect or the timing of that, I would be a stressed out parent.  Which Kaylee would sense and it could negatively affect her. So when it comes to timing, I am mostly thankful that it was a last minute placement.  I'm thankful there was no heads up. And for anyone who knows me, they know what a life changing statement that is.
   
3. I got God's best in my relationship with Kaylee's birth mom.  When we first signed up to adopt, I immediately started praying for our future birth mother.  I knew she was important, someone I would be tied to in a unique way for years. She would be someone that our child would be curious about and have many questions about. So because of that, I wanted an open adoption.  I wanted some of the questions and what-ifs to be answered, hopefully giving our child a healthier sense of self and confidence.  I also knew it could be a unique opportunity to love on someone and show them Christ. So we prayed for her.  And we hit the jackpot.  She is sweet, kind, and genuinely care for us as a family unit.  When she knows Gabe is away, she longs to hear how excited he was to be home with his girls.  She tells me she loves me and is thankful for me. She never tries to tell me how she thinks Kaylee should be raised. She isn't pushy and I've never felt threatened by her. She is thoughtful and gracious in ways that are beyond her years.  I did the math this morning and Kaylee's birth parents would just be graduating high school when we signed up with our agency.  If Kaylee would have been born then, Kaylee's birth mom may not have had the graceful spirit she has now.  And that plays a HUGE part in my ability to communicate with her.  So by waiting, I think we are both in a place to handle this complicated relationship in a way that is going to make our open arrange easier.  Which will make it better for Kaylee, which is the whole purpose of it.
4. I got God's best with the perfect baby. Halfway through our adoption journey I had a light bulb moment and changed how I was praying.  I think it was also a moment I let go of the baby boy.  I realized I had been praying for a baby that would be a perfect fit for us and our lives. I realized how selfish and twisted that was. Here I was, praying to be a parent and it was all about me.  So I started praying for a child who we could give them what they need (instead of them fitting into our lives).  Isn't that what the best parents do?  Example: Good parents don't expect a child to flourish by the parent's love language.  A good parent finds their child's love language and uses that to love on their children. I prayed that I would be the one person in the world that would have the right words and just the right moment that could alter our child's life.  That one defining moment, the fork in the road.  That God would give us a child that we could point them down the right path with someone else may have sent them down the other one. My prayers became about the best for my future child, instead of my wants.  And in waiting for the baby I would be the best parent to, I got the perfect child.  Kaylee looks like she belongs in our family.  I forget that she is adopted or even the fact that she isn't Asian (proof love is blind).  She is ridiculously ticklish just like her daddy.  She is opinionated, chatty, and can be super stubborn like me. And the list goes on and on.  It's easy to see that God created her to be in our family.  We were even talking last night that she is happy, healthy, and she seems to know she is safe.  That's all we want for her.  But maybe the bonding would have been different with a different child which would have made it harder for them to be happy or to feel safe. And if that was the child we were given, we would work through it. But because we waited, I feel God rewarded us with the little "perks" that are not taken for granted; we see them as jackpots.

So those are just a few ways that I am so grateful for how our long journey has ended.  And for those of you who have prayed for us during our journey, I hope this gives you a glimpse of how your prayers helped bring the best baby {for us} into our lives. 

17 Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom

I have been a mom for about 5 1/2 weeks now.  It seems like forever since we flew to Nevada, and yet it seems like no time at all. Just this past week, she's started to change....filling out in baby rolls, noticeably denser, increase in appetite, and we are about to graduate to size 1 diapers! I've learned so much in that time.  And had lots of funny moments learning too.  So below is my list for new moms to learn from, and seasoned moms to laugh at.

1) Sleep in an unnecessary part of life.  And don't let the first 2 weeks fool you.  During Kaylee's first 2 weeks of life, she slept 3-5 hours at night.  Flash forward to almost 6 weeks and she wants a bottle every 2.5 hours. If you calculate half an hour to make and feed the bottle, change her diaper, and 15 minutes to burp and cuddle her, we only get maybe 2 hours of sleep at a time. So basically we are living on naps. And I would say we are highly functioning.  I'm working 2 mornings a week and Gabe ran a 6 mile race today. Our laundry gets done as do our dishes (lets not talk about other areas of the house). We are highly social and don't go to bed earlier than our life before Kaylee. All without naps during the day. Sleep is overrated.

1a) Everyone you meet is interested in your sleep life. It's one of the top 3 questions I get "how much does she sleep?" aka how much is she allowing you to sleep. I don't know if strangers get a dark pleasure in picturing you exhausted with red eyes and matted hair in the middle of the night trying to soothe a fussy baby. Or maybe its a silent mental competition in which they can say "my baby slept better" in their mind. *note: when your friends ask the same question, it's said with care and concern.  Be honest and let them help if you need it.

2) I have the best, smartest, and most beautiful baby in the whole world.  Yes, I am one of those annoying people.  My baby has the most open, alert eyes and her face is so animated and expressive, which has to mean she must be smart, right? I mean, I would swear she can say (ok, more of a grunt) "hi" when she wakes  up in the morning and sees me. She is going to be a genius, I can tell already, ahead of the curve on so many things.  During tummy time, she's already showing the early signs of crawling. And she already looks like she has some teeth that will come in soon.

2a) I've caught myself mass texting pictures of Kaylee to everyone I know.  At first people were begging for photos, excited for this new baby...now not so much. I did it without thinking for so long, but now I have to curb my "look at my adorable baby" moments so I still have friends left in a few months.  *If you want to be added to my 'newsletter', let me know haha

3) Always be in charge of the diaper bag. Know the saying, if you want it done right do it yourself? Well, modify that and say, if you want to be assured the diaper bag makes it to the car, take it yourself. Yes, the is a story behind this one.  Gabe wanted to take me out to cheesecake factory (and i had free cheesecake coupons that expired that day) so we loaded up and drove down to Waikiki, a 30-45 minute drive to the most crowded 10 blocks in the world.  Upon parking I asked where he put the diaper bag.  He said he thought I grabbed it. After checking the entire car to confirm my thoughtfully packed bag was still on a chair at home, we looked at each other. Our eyes asked each other if we should risk it, and in unison our daring looks turned to disappointment knowing we didn't want to face the wrath of a baby mid-meal an hour from home. So I went to go get our free cheesecake and we headed home. No wrath to be had, but there was a nasty diaper as soon as we walked in.

3a) You days of living on the edge are over. Refer to point #3
3b) Keep back up baby necessitates in the car. Refer to point #3

4) When you change a diaper and your spouse gets a blow out on the next diaper, you will be treated like a traitor and your motives are called into question. And the won't believe it was out of your control or unintentional...you sabotaged them on purpose!

5) There is always one more burp.  Kaylee seems like a gassy baby.  We don't have anything else to compare her to, so it might not be as bad.  But we burp and burp her.  I can burp her for 20 minutes and there will always be a hidden one there that works itself up and needs assistance to come about about the time I drift to sleep.

5a) When babies spit up, they smile.  The smile is most likely a reaction to your face.  And then they pass out, dead asleep, leaving you to clean up their mess.
5b) Baby sneezes after eating often contain spit up.  Enough said.

6) I thought having a girl would mean we get to skip the dirty stage.  Not so. This kid is the messiest eater I have ever seen.  It just drips out the corners of her mouth, down her chin, and runs around her neck if we don't stop it. Cleaning up with a wet wipe or sponge bath doesn't cut it, she gets baths regularly...but thankfully she loves them.

6a) Bibs are our best friend.  And we can't seem to keep them in stock. *note, if anyone tells you not to take a bib when you go pick up (or deliver) your newborn, take one anyways.  If you don't, your kid will probably be an outrageous pig while eating.

7) Babies have an amazing sense of timing. Even with Kaylee's tummy nice and full, she can smell real food a mile away. The timer on the microwave will wake Kaylee up every time, even from upstairs.

8) Don't forget to explain to your husband the baby knowledge you have, even the tidbits you think are obvious.  Case and point, my poor husband had Kaylee on his knee doing the MC Hammer "You Can't Touch This" dance after eating.  I didn't tell him you don't jiggle a baby after eating, I thought he knew and was living on the dangerous side. Nope, and he got the biggest case of spit up yet. While I captured it all on camera for my personal entertainment, the moment might have ended differently had I shared my common baby knowledge with him.

8a) Once you share the baby tidbits about swaddling, your husband will overnight become a pro and put your swaddling skills to shame.

9) Your instincts kick in. I'll be honest, I didn't read but maybe one baby book (in 2014) and I haven't been online or on pinterest much.  But I haven't felt I really needed to.  As my sister said, people have been raising children for thousands of years and I can't do any worse than them. When we first got to the foster mom's house and really got to be with Kaylee, the knowledge that no one else was going to change her diaper, make her bottle, get up in the middle of the night, it threw me into momma mode and the instincts followed.

9a) I'm not the nervous-nilly I thought I would be. Hooray! I think when the instincts kicked in, I calmed down and a side of me I wasn't expecting came out.   I'm normally high strung, not very trusting of others, and have to be in control of every situation. But I'm not worried about other people holding Kaylee (but we only have a small circle of people in our lives in Hawaii), I'm not worried about little kids holding her on the couch, her cries don't turn me into a panicked crazy bottle maker...in fact I can tune her out a little in the car.  When she was first born, I wasn't one to check on her for no reason in the middle of the night.  No, that was Dad.  My calm husband traded me for the nervous nilly title, which I think is kinda sweet to see him so worried and protective over Kaylee.  If the dog sneezes on Kaylee, I'm like "eh, he will be eating food out of her hand at some point and she'll use that hand to feed herself.  Can't protect her all the time." Gabe on the other hand, would kick the dog outside and baptize the baby with disinfectant.


10) Mornings are my favorite part of the day.  Kaylee sleeps well at night and doesn't need entertaining in the middle of the night to go back to bed.  However, around her 6 am feeding, she is awake for over an hour after being fed.  I love this time with her.  Our room is still partly dark, and her eyes look so big! It's our time to just stare at each other and give each other our full attention.  It's the time of day she is most content and is just chilling with me.

11) Facetime with the grandparents is the most humorous thing you will ever see. I'm amazed at the baby talk that comes from the hard nosed people that used to discipline us. The turn to jello and their conversations with Kaylee warm my heart as well as make me die laughing inside. But I'm so thankful they want to be apart of her life.

12) Having a baby is never what you expect. A friend told me this week (regarding a job), that it is never what you expect so be prepared for that, whether it's better or worse than you imagined.  I think you can apply that to parenting.  It's not what I expected, but that doesn't mean it's better or worse.  It's just not what I expected (in some areas).  I wasn't expecting to find it hard to leave Kaylee at the foster home after only 4 hours with her.  I wasn't expecting to bond with her so easily, and I sure wasn't expecting to feel her bond with me (at 5 weeks she is tracking me with her eyes and I love it!). I thought I would have more time to do housework for the first few months because I expected her to sleep more. I also didn't expect the number of bottles or diapers I go through in a day.  But it doesn't mean the time with her is any less special changing a diaper or washing a bottle.

13) Sometime seasoned moms aren't always right, take all advice with a grain of salt and follow your gut.  I've had good and bad advice (although mostly good), but I have to measure that advice against what works for Kaylee. *note, if anyone tells you not to take a bib when you go pick up (or deliver) your newborn, take one anyways.  If you don't, your kid will probably be an outrageous pig while eating. Refer to point #6.

14) When you have kids, your un-opinionated husband all of a sudden has opinions.  He even has an opinion on which diapers he likes better.  He thinks babies don't need clothes until they are 1 (He rolls his eyes at every cute outfit I put Kaylee in and wonders out loud as to why people keep sending us cute clothes...he is more of sleeper guy because it has a zipper and is easy to put on).

15) I married a rockstar. I always knew this but had only seen him in his husband role.  And while I always knew he would be a good dad, he has taken his father role and run with it.  He doesn't shy away from anything (except maybe a really rank diaper, but he will do it).  He has been home the past 3 weeks since Kaylee and I returned from Nevada.  Since then, we switch off nights and I think he has done more nights than me.  He watches Kaylee when I need to run out or go to work. He makes bottles, plays with Kaylee, reads her books, and is the master burper.  He runs errands (and always seems to come home with baby items), cleans the  house, the list goes on. In many ways, I think he is the better parent. And I haven't heard him complain once.  I am forever grateful that he gives Kaylee (and me) his attention when he is at home.  He doesn't have anything that is more important than us in his life.  There are no video game distractions, parties to go to, etc.  He is invested and focused on his family. *Love you Gabe! I couldn't do this, or want to do this, without you on my team.

16) Your relationship with your spouse changes.  But it's not a bad thing, its just different. We have waaaaay more humor in our lives.  We laugh at Kaylee, at ourselves. Maybe its the lack of sleep or insanity of being in the house so much, but we entertain ourselves with a 8lb baby and the humorous moments in being first time parents.  For example, I have created a game in which Gabe participates unwittingly.  When Kaylee poops, if I know he will be home in a few minutes, I wait and try to trick him into daddy/daughter time before he can smell anything.  Usually I pass her to him and say, "oh you may want to check her diaper on your way upstairs." Then I just wait.....his reactions never disappoint.  We have something to talk about in the evenings that isn't work related. Our time together has to be planned so dates are more intentional and thought out. And I think seeing your spouse love on your child, it makes you love them on a whole new level. After all, you both have this beautiful baby that you both love unconditionally....if that doesn't connect you in a new way, I'm not sure what will.

17) I don't try to be a perfect mom. A baby is a neon flashing sign that says "You Have Alot to Learn." As much as you think you are put together, you're still not going to have it right all the time.  I know I won't be a perfect mom, and I'm ok with that.  I was lucky enough to have an ah-ha moment and realize perfection was unattainable and striving for it would just frustrate me, which would end up affecting Kaylee. I'm just trying to make sure Kaylee has all her needs met and is loved on. Sometimes I can't figure out what she wants and Gabe walks in the door and solves the issue right away (aren't moms suppose to get that stuff easier than dads?). Moments like that are humbling and make me question if I'm doing something wrong.  I have to let those moments go and just do what I can.  She's fed, changed, and held.  That's all she needs right now.  As she grows, I'll grow in my parenting.  We'll grow in life together.

First Weekend as a Family of Three

Our first weekend as a family of three was busy!

On Saturday we met Kaylee's birthparents for lunch.  We were nervous to spend more time with them.  It was more of a nervous about it being awkward.  They had already terminated their rights, so the "threat" of them changing their mind was gone, but how do you start a conversation in a situation like this?  We met at Mimi's cafe.  I am still amazed at what a good time we had.  In fact, surprisingly, Kaylee wasn't the basis of most of our conversations. It was like we were 2 couples getting to know each other, not two different types of parents connected by one little girl.  We did small talk, we asked and answered questions, we laughed and joked.  I was continually amazed at how similar we are!  For example, both Gabe and birthfather don't like onions, in fact it's the only thing they won't eat.  The birthmother and I like the same type of tv shows which are crime stories, but we both have to watch them when our significant other isn't around because they don't like us watching them. Just little things like that. It was just an easy meeting.  At no time did I feel there was a turf war and I didn't feel threatened in my new role of Kaylee's mom. They didn't come in telling us how to plan her future.  They were very respectful and acknowledged our role as Kaylee's parents. And while they seemed emotionally subdued, they had a maturity beyond their years in this situation. 

At the end of lunch, we asked the waitress to take a photo of all of us together.  It was important to me that Kaylee know what her birthparents look like, but also to see that we got along and all love her.  Then, to our surprise, they asked if we needed any baby items and if we wanted to go to babies r us which was just around the corner.  We did have a small list, so we all went shopping together! Gabe was determined he could find puppy pads for babies.  I thought he was crazy but low and behold, he found what he was looking for: disposable changing paper.  I thought it was unnecessary, but we got some and it has since saved my bacon more than once.  It was a little weird shopping for Kaylee with her birthparents with us.  I think I felt as if I had to include them in my shopping decisions: what bibs did they like, what did they think of this or that.  Probably just me trying to make the situation not awkward. But they didn't voice any options even when asked. They let me make the choices over which bibs and socks to get. I felt they were very intentional about taking a step back.  They want to be connected to Kaylee, but more on the sidelines than spotlight.

Overall, it was a interesting, yet good day.  I think it helped Gabe get more comfortable with the idea of actually having an open adoption and what it would be like. I genuinely like this couple and enjoyed our time getting to know each other better. I hope that our future contact will be as easy and relaxed.  It once again put my mind at ease that they were confident with their decision and I don't need to be scared they would change their minds.  They are very sweet and I think they are the most selfless people I know.

On Sunday, we went back to the foster family in the morning.  A gracious friend took the liberty of finding a photographer in the Reno area that was willing to do newborn photos on short notice.  And the foster family opened up their home to us so we could take photos in a home environment with good lighting.

I think purple is her color

My beautiful girl

The photographer was amazing.  She was about our age and a mother of 3 boys!  She took charge of Kaylee...posing her, soothing her....I just sat back and watched.  It was an interesting time.  The photographer wanted her naked so she could pose her cute.  Well, first the photographer spent some time trying to get Kaylee to sleep.  In the process, Kaylee pooped all over her blanket.  So we cleaned her up.  Then, we got her posed but Kaylee wouldn't go to sleep.  Then she peed on that set up.  Since she wasn't sleeping, we scratched that idea and did lots of swaddled shots.  We got just about done, and she peed again! Thankfully, our photographer didn't mind and came expecting a few accidents.

As the photographer took photos, I just watched.  I had a moment where things hit home.  I realized I would be watching her in so many moments, moments that I wouldn't be interacting with her, but just watching. Gymnastics, t-ball, piano recitals. It was the moment that brought tears to my eyes.  We are so completely in love with our Kaylee Rose, and are looking forward to seeing the little girl she becomes.

Gaining Custody

Friday morning, I was up before my alarm clock went off.  It was the day we would get custody, and our last day to worry about losing our girl.

We headed to Burger King for a quick bite, and the foster mom met us there with Kaylee.  We piled in her car (both in the backseat) and we headed to Kaylee's first doctor's appointment.  That was a first for us.  In my daydreaming about our future family, doctor's appointment daydreams were overlooked.  When we checked in, we told them our story of being adoptive parents.  They didn't care what her legal name was at the moment, they wanted us to put down what we wanted her to be called.  So filling out the doctor forms was the first time I got to write her name down.

The appointment was quick.  The foster mom went in with us and was able to answer questions about her eating and sleeping habits the previous night.  There was 2 doctors that came in, one practiced doctor and one that seemed like a student. Surprisingly, I wasn't too worried about the doctor who was moving Kaylee all around and checking her out; I was focused on answering questions, asking questions, and taking in any and all information I could.  When we checked out, the receipt had Kaylee's name on it.  There it was, printed on paper: Kaylee Honsberger.  That was a big moment for me, it made it real.

After the appointment, we dropped Gabe off at our car, and I went with the foster mom to her house.  Gabe followed us and we spent the whole day at their house with Kaylee.  The foster family is amazing and we enjoyed hanging out with them, talking story.  

Before lunch, I had to run out to a postal annex that had a business center to print important papers and mail some checks so everything would go smoothly that night with the paper signing. I left Kaylee with Gabe and the foster family.  While I was gone, the foster mom left for a funeral and the foster dad went to go take a nap.  So Gabe is alone with Kaylee.  Well, my errand was taking longer than anticipated.  Gabe called me to remind me Kaylee needed to eat at 1:30 (he is very strict about having a consistent schedule) and he didn't know how to make a bottle.  I assured him I would be home before she needed to eat, but if not, he could call and I would walk him through it.  I hung up the phone and contemplated purposely waiting so he would have to learn without a safety net. But I decided that was mean. I headed to pick up lunch, but after picking it up my GPS decided to have issues and I got severely lost.  So, it was closer to 2pm before I got back to the house.  I hoped the door, Gabe was there and all he said was "She peed on me."  Apparently while I was out, she had a complete meltdown, Gabe made her a bottle, and mid feeding she peed.  And the diaper (that I had done) came undone and soaked Gabe.  HAHA!! I was so proud of my girl for initiating her daddy so well.

Done with diaper change, now for funny faces

We continued to hang out at the foster house.  They brought a tri-tip home for dinner and Gabe grilled it and we all had dinner together.  This family has such a unique way of making us feel comfortable and at home, that by dinner time, I had almost forgotten we were signing papers that night and my nervousness was mostly subsided.

After dinner, we left Kaylee and headed to our hotel room to grab a few documents and then we went downtown to our meeting place and just waited.  It was late at night and the building was locked. We were super nervous.  Gabe was nervous we would have a run-in with the birthparents which would be awkward. I was waiting for a phone call to say that last minute, the birthparents had changed their mind.  Then my phone rang and my heart stopped.  It was our social worker and she said the birthparents were done signing papers and her husband would come downstairs to let us in.  Such a wave of relief swept over me: they had signed the papers.  It was a done deal.  Thank-you Jesus!!

Kaylee with Teddy from Birthparents

As we got out of the car and headed to the door, we saw the birthparent coming out.  It was so awkward.  Here I stand in front of them, aware that they just gave their baby up for adoption.  I'm dancing with excitement on the inside, but I don't want to show that to them in their hurting state.  Gabe didn't want to talk to them, but I didn't want to give them the cold shoulder and ignore them, especially when we had committed to staying in contact with them.  So we talked to them for a bit.  They wanted to let us know they had left a teddy bear upstairs for her (that just melted my heart.  I loved that they got her something tangible).  Then, the birthfather asked if we wanted to have lunch the following day.  We must have looked like deer in the headlights! It was so unexpected!  Before Gabe could brush them off, I let them know the foster family had invited us to an event (a basketball game which I wasn't sure I wanted to take a newborn to), but we were unsure when it was and we would get back with them about meeting.  But I'd email and let them know.  Gabe wasn't super happy about my answer but he let it go.

Official custody!

We went upstairs with our social worker's husband, Joe.  Sweet man.  Made it to the 8th floor and was ushered into a very legal looking office and back to a conference room.  There, we meet Dee our social worker.  She made everything so stress free.  I think the relief of knowing the birthparents part was over helped too.  We had to sign 2 copies of several documents. Lots of papers to sign.  Strangely, I was more nervous when we bought our house than I was signing papers to gain a child.  But less than 30 minutes later, we signed our last paper: one acknowledging we had custody of Kaylee.  When we were done, Gabe said "now she's my daughter."  That moment was so special.  No more fear.  Just a hopeful future.  And for Gabe, it was a moment where he could let his guard down.  He could call her Kaylee.  He could give himself permission to bond.  So special.

After the papers were signed, we went downstairs with Dee and Joe.  We ended up talking with them outside for about an hour.  They look like they are in their 50's, but must be in their 70's because they have 10 kids (oldest is 50), 27 grandchildren, and 13 great-grandchildren (oldest is 13).  They have lots of military connections in their family and their eldest just retired from the Army where he had such a high rank Gabe was impressed.  In a way, it was nice to share that moment with someone else, and also talk about things other than the adoption.  I'm so thankful for another Christian connection God placed in this situation.

As we walked to the car, I was squealing I was so excited.  Yes, squealing.  Gabe had the biggest grin.  We just couldn't believe it.  I turned to Gabe and asked, "Can I finally announce it?!?" and he gave me permission.  That was such an exciting moment.  Up until that moment, only a few people knew.  Up until that moment, we were fearful of losing her and this opportunity.  But it melted away and a sense of calm was around us.  I told Gabe later, it felt like we have been climbing a mountain for so long, and we just got to the top where we could take a deep breath and just breathe.  But it was also a moment of realizing we had gained what we had been looking for for so long....in a moment it was done.  Longing was gone.  Daydreaming was done.  I don't know how to describe that feeling.  Just a sense of finality.  And all the heartaches (or "labor pains") were forgotten.  And a small sense of now what?

When we got back to the foster family to pick up Kaylee, we could hear her screaming before we reached the door.  Went inside and apparently she had 3 poopy diapers in the 3 hours were were gone (don't worry, we got 3 more later that night....kid was on a cleanse or something  I picked her up and she instantly settled down.  We were so excited to take her with us.  Kinda weird driving with a baby in the back.

First night with Daddy

We got to the hotel and as soon as we entered our room, Kaylee started screaming.  She had only eaten less than 2 hours before and we couldn't get her to settle down.  It took us awhile to get her settled down.  I was getting a little stressed out because I was aware that other rooms could probably hear her.  Gabe stepped up and took charge of settling her down.  As I got ready for bed, he sat down with her and I heard him say "I love you" for the first time.  He was immediately wrapped around her finger. All night, every time she made a rustle or shifted in her play pen, Gabe was up and at her side. Adorable. It was such a perfect day, but we were glad it was over and could finally sleep....in 3 hour shifts.

*While we have custody of Kaylee, the adoption won't be finalized for 6 months or so.*

Meeting Kaylee

As we walked into the hospital, I was an internal wreck.  I had butterflies of excitement mingled with a nervousness that were nauseating.  I wanted to run to her room, but was well aware that once we entered, our lives would be forever changed.

Our social worker was suppose to be there for our first meeting with the birthparents, but was unable to make it.  We stopped by the gift store and bought a small pink and white flower arrangement and headed up.  When we got to the birthmom's room, we knocked and entered.  The first thing we saw was birthmom changing the baby's diaper.  That immediately scared me. It made me realize Kaylee had been in their room for 2 days and they were caring for her.  Not that it's a bad thing, it just scared me that they would change their mind when it came down to it.  We stood in the room, flowers in hand, awkwardly waiting to introduce ourselves. The birthfather was wearing a Raiders jacket and Gabe broke the ice about making a comment about being a Bronco fan and some other lighthearted comments regarding the Raiders/Bronco rivalry.  Such a silly way to start our "hellos", but I'm so glad he did.  When the diaper was done, we introduced ourselves to the selfless couple in front of us.  

It was all I could do to contain myself from swooping up the baby girl in front of me.  I think I asked how everyone was feeling/doing, and asked permission to hold her.  I lifted her up and sat in a chair and it was so surreal.  I've held babies before, but none have left me in such awe as her.  She was sooooo pretty!  Adopting, you never know what kind of a kid you will get.  And lets all be honest, there are some pretty ugly babies in the world.  But not her.  Adorable and perfect!

While I held her, we talked with the birthparents.  We let them know we were nervous to talk to them and I think that helped.  The first question they had was for Gabe: they knew he was a marine and were concerned he would be a stereotypical marine: harsh, disciplined, and cold.  We assured them nothing could be further from the truth.  They let us know they had named her Melody Andrea, but we could change it if we wanted. We asked about the delivery.  Come to find out, they didn't know they were pregnant until the beginning of February, and they hadn't had any doctor appointments.  So when she went into labor, they went to a close hospital.  But the hospital didn't do deliveries, so they took her by ambulance to a 2nd hospital, birth dad frantically following in his car. Birth mom had a epidural and 4 pushes later Kaylee entered the world.

I asked if Gabe wanted to hold her, and he got such a big grin.  He was a little nervous but once she was in his arms, he was a goner.  We continued to talk to the birthparents and I was amazed at the ease of our ability to connect with them.  And in our conversations, I lost all nervousness that they would change their mind.  It was obvious they loved her, but were firm in their decision.  When our social worker had visited them the day before, she told them we had had a reclaim before, so she wanted them to be firm.  They were curious about that, and I think they cared enough about us that they didn't want to do that to us.  So who knows, maybe hearing we had a reclaim helped with their solidarity.

About this time, I asked Gabe if I could hold her again.  A big, long pause....he didn't want to share her!  Haha!

After about 30 minutes, a nurse came in and said it was time to discharge Kaylee.  We stepped out so the birthparents could say their goodbyes.  That was awkward again.  But when the nurse brought the baby out, we went back in to give them hugs (wasn't sure if we'd see them again for a while) and I promised the birthmom that I would love and protect her baby.  Lots of tears, but I felt like they needed love and hugs in that moment.

After that, we went to the nursery for discharge instructions.  The foster mom was there to hear them too. After getting our instructions, she gave us her information and invited us to come to her house to spend time with Kaylee.  She let Gabe carry Kaylee out to the car.  Such a proud papa!  Just watching him, my heart grew more in love with this complicated, strong and tender man.

First Family Photo

When we got back in the car, we decided it was time to call Gabe's parents.  Up to this point, only a handful of friend's and my mom and sister knew, and Gabe had made a decision that nothing went online until papers were signed.  I let Gabe choose when he wanted to tell his parents.  Since he was so nervous about this opportunity falling through, and since he has such a big family, he wanted to wait until papers were signed.  BUT, his excitement got the better of him and he decided to tell them then sooner.  He had already talked to his sister, and the plan was to facetime her and have our  5 yr old niece take the phone to Gabe's parents and announce we had a baby.  Well, she took off  with the news, but forgot the phone.  Haha.  So we didn't get to see their faced, but we heard their cries of excitement and disbelief.  What a special moment.

As much as wanted to race to the foster mom's house, but we decided we needed to eat first.  We pulled into an In-n-Out.  I wanted to use the drive thru, but Gabe insisted we go inside and take a deep breath, take our time eating.  Longest meal of my life!!  But I used the break to text pictures to all our friends/family "in the know."

It was about a 30 minute drive to the foster mom's house.  What a blessing to have her!  Such a Godly, Christian woman.  She let us be parents, she didn't try to tell us what to do or how to do things.  She answered questions if we asked, and while she stayed in the house, she would go to other rooms to give us privacy.  We got to change diapers, do our first feeding, and just love on our baby girl. We stayed there for a few hours, and then Gabe felt we should leave (they were starting dinner) and go settle in at the hotel.  I did NOT want to leave, and I was amazed at how my heart and emotions were already attached to a baby I had met 6 hours earlier.

We knew we needed sleep because the next day (Friday) would be full as it was paper signing day.  I had confidence, but until rights were terminated, there was still apprehension in our hearts.
So we went back to the hotel, ate our last dinner as a couple, and tried to sleep.

The Call

5:30 in the morning, my phone rings. As I pull myself out of my dreams and pick up the phone, I see it’s a “No Caller ID” call. This had better not be another fake credit card call I thought to myself. Wouldn’t it be nice if this was Lifetime I half heartily thought. I’ve received many early am calls due to the time zone difference, and none have been the one I’ve waited for.

“Hi Shaina, this is Diane from Lifetime.” I shot straight up, heart pounding. “Sorry to call so early, I know you are in Hawaii, but….we have a baby for you.” My first thought was, it must be a drop-in-the-lap because last time I received an email first with a phone call much later. “It’s a baby girl and she was born yesterday.” What? That means we are going to have to fly….today!

And that is how my day of absolutely craziness started. A healthy baby girl had been born the previous day and her parents wanted to meet us.

First thing I did was call Gabe. He had been training for 2 weeks at a range on island. His phone went right to voicemail, which was unusual. I called again, this time leaving a message. Then I followed up with a text. I’m in full freak out mode by this time. So I called my Mom and shared the news with her. Finally Gabe called me back and we had a short talk. I honestly don’t remember what was said, but their was no discussion of if we would do this – we both knew this was our chance.

After this, I took a quick shower. After all, I had to look nice when I meet the birthmom. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to figure out how to care for all the things that needed to be done before we fly out for an unknown amount of time. I called a friend and texted our church group ladies.

My day was spent on the phone. Responding to texts from the small group we shared our news with. Calls with the agency. So much to learn and keep on top of. Laundry to wash. Dishes to do. I had a ribeye marinating in the fridge. And I couldn’t keep one task separate or prioritize them. I really was in a functioning state of shock.

We have a great small group and the ladies swarmed around me. 2 moms came over to help me pack. They ran to target first, arriving with a mini baby shower. I had told them the baby was a full Hispanic girl. So one brought the most adorable outfit with 2 big bows….bows were nowhere close to being on my mind. They helped me with laundry, went through my large hoard of baby clothes from our previous attempt (and all the ones I’d bought over the years as a way of coping). They did my dishes, and just gave me great mommy advice, and helped me pack all the baby stuff I would need. Their help was invaluable.

Right before they arrived, Gabe got home. He had requested leave which was approved (sooooo thankful for understanding superiors), he just has to be back at work on Tuesday morning. This couldn’t have come at a worse moment in his schedule. He hadn’t been home for over a week, had just worked until 1:30am, and needed to get lots of time sensitive tasks off his list by March 5th so he can attend his Drill Instructor schoolhouse April 4-June 22. But they let him go! Thank you Jesus!

Getting Ready for Pink!

About 4pm, we got a call from the social worker in Nevada. She had just met with the birthparents and told me they are a really sweet couple and seem serious. They did name the baby, and didn’t want to do cradle care (Cradle care is a temporary foster family who takes a baby when they are discharged from the hospital until a private adoptive family gains custody….State of Nevada requires a 72 hour hold before birth parents can relinquish their rights). So the birthparents planned on taking baby girl home with them for the night. When we heard this, our hearts dropped. Here we go again….It was nauseating. The social worker assured us that she grilled the couple and felt they were committed to the process. We took a deep breath and said we are getting on a plane no matter what and would see what would happen. But the social worker did take a picture and texted it to us. We just stared at her face on our phones!

First Photo

We exhausted ourselves quickly, mostly mental tiredness. We had a neighbor who invited us over for dinner and then took us to the airport. I was such a bundle of nerves and thought several times I was going to throw up.

We got to the airport and unloaded our stuff. Holy cow we had a lot. We took our car seat, stroller, and base. Walking through the airport pushing that with no baby got a lot of looks. Lots of, “oh where’s the baby?” as if we left something that important at home. We just smiled and said “We’re picking one up!”

Airport security was interesting. No baby in a stroller, I was half expecting them to pull us aside and have a drug dog check us out. When it was our turn to put our stuff through the scanner, we couldn’t figure out how to get the car seat off the stroller! I knew it wasn’t that hard and had put it together, but that was a year and a half ago! So embarrassing. It seriously took us 5 minutes to figure out how to take the seat off, then how to fold up the stroller. All I could do was laugh…#firsttimeparentproblems.

The flight from Honolulu to Phoenix was only about 5 hours, but it was the longest few hours of my life. No cell phones, so I was so removed from updates. I didn’t know if we would land and get the news that, just kidding they are keeping the baby. The flight was quiet and empty, so we got to actually lay down and get the sleep we needed. Well, I did. Gabe didn’t sleep.

We had a 3 hour layover in Phoenix before heading to Reno. It was stressful, but the select group of people “in the know” texted us. Then, I got a text from the social worker that the birthparents changed their mind and were going to use cradle care. In that moment, I knew this was going to work out. Most of my nerves were gone. A peace fell around me.

Our flight to Reno was the longest hour and a half of my life. Gabe and I weren’t seated next to each other and I just prayed the whole flight. We landed, and split up: I got the rental car, Gabe went for bags. I texted our social worker to let her know we landed. She called and said to get to the hospital ASAP because little miss was going to be discharged in an hour. And the birthparents wanted to see us before that.

We raced to our rental car, madly loaded up, took off shirts and got fresh ones on (it’s been 36 hours since I’d had a shower….i smelled, had greasy hair, and all traces of makeup were gone), and hit the road. I did make up while Gabe drove. We were immediately in culture shock being back in the mainland and the roads, but we made it in one piece. Parked and headed inside to go see our little girl for the first time.