First Weekend as a Family of Three

Our first weekend as a family of three was busy!

On Saturday we met Kaylee's birthparents for lunch.  We were nervous to spend more time with them.  It was more of a nervous about it being awkward.  They had already terminated their rights, so the "threat" of them changing their mind was gone, but how do you start a conversation in a situation like this?  We met at Mimi's cafe.  I am still amazed at what a good time we had.  In fact, surprisingly, Kaylee wasn't the basis of most of our conversations. It was like we were 2 couples getting to know each other, not two different types of parents connected by one little girl.  We did small talk, we asked and answered questions, we laughed and joked.  I was continually amazed at how similar we are!  For example, both Gabe and birthfather don't like onions, in fact it's the only thing they won't eat.  The birthmother and I like the same type of tv shows which are crime stories, but we both have to watch them when our significant other isn't around because they don't like us watching them. Just little things like that. It was just an easy meeting.  At no time did I feel there was a turf war and I didn't feel threatened in my new role of Kaylee's mom. They didn't come in telling us how to plan her future.  They were very respectful and acknowledged our role as Kaylee's parents. And while they seemed emotionally subdued, they had a maturity beyond their years in this situation. 

At the end of lunch, we asked the waitress to take a photo of all of us together.  It was important to me that Kaylee know what her birthparents look like, but also to see that we got along and all love her.  Then, to our surprise, they asked if we needed any baby items and if we wanted to go to babies r us which was just around the corner.  We did have a small list, so we all went shopping together! Gabe was determined he could find puppy pads for babies.  I thought he was crazy but low and behold, he found what he was looking for: disposable changing paper.  I thought it was unnecessary, but we got some and it has since saved my bacon more than once.  It was a little weird shopping for Kaylee with her birthparents with us.  I think I felt as if I had to include them in my shopping decisions: what bibs did they like, what did they think of this or that.  Probably just me trying to make the situation not awkward. But they didn't voice any options even when asked. They let me make the choices over which bibs and socks to get. I felt they were very intentional about taking a step back.  They want to be connected to Kaylee, but more on the sidelines than spotlight.

Overall, it was a interesting, yet good day.  I think it helped Gabe get more comfortable with the idea of actually having an open adoption and what it would be like. I genuinely like this couple and enjoyed our time getting to know each other better. I hope that our future contact will be as easy and relaxed.  It once again put my mind at ease that they were confident with their decision and I don't need to be scared they would change their minds.  They are very sweet and I think they are the most selfless people I know.

On Sunday, we went back to the foster family in the morning.  A gracious friend took the liberty of finding a photographer in the Reno area that was willing to do newborn photos on short notice.  And the foster family opened up their home to us so we could take photos in a home environment with good lighting.

I think purple is her color

My beautiful girl

The photographer was amazing.  She was about our age and a mother of 3 boys!  She took charge of Kaylee...posing her, soothing her....I just sat back and watched.  It was an interesting time.  The photographer wanted her naked so she could pose her cute.  Well, first the photographer spent some time trying to get Kaylee to sleep.  In the process, Kaylee pooped all over her blanket.  So we cleaned her up.  Then, we got her posed but Kaylee wouldn't go to sleep.  Then she peed on that set up.  Since she wasn't sleeping, we scratched that idea and did lots of swaddled shots.  We got just about done, and she peed again! Thankfully, our photographer didn't mind and came expecting a few accidents.

As the photographer took photos, I just watched.  I had a moment where things hit home.  I realized I would be watching her in so many moments, moments that I wouldn't be interacting with her, but just watching. Gymnastics, t-ball, piano recitals. It was the moment that brought tears to my eyes.  We are so completely in love with our Kaylee Rose, and are looking forward to seeing the little girl she becomes.

Gaining Custody

Friday morning, I was up before my alarm clock went off.  It was the day we would get custody, and our last day to worry about losing our girl.

We headed to Burger King for a quick bite, and the foster mom met us there with Kaylee.  We piled in her car (both in the backseat) and we headed to Kaylee's first doctor's appointment.  That was a first for us.  In my daydreaming about our future family, doctor's appointment daydreams were overlooked.  When we checked in, we told them our story of being adoptive parents.  They didn't care what her legal name was at the moment, they wanted us to put down what we wanted her to be called.  So filling out the doctor forms was the first time I got to write her name down.

The appointment was quick.  The foster mom went in with us and was able to answer questions about her eating and sleeping habits the previous night.  There was 2 doctors that came in, one practiced doctor and one that seemed like a student. Surprisingly, I wasn't too worried about the doctor who was moving Kaylee all around and checking her out; I was focused on answering questions, asking questions, and taking in any and all information I could.  When we checked out, the receipt had Kaylee's name on it.  There it was, printed on paper: Kaylee Honsberger.  That was a big moment for me, it made it real.

After the appointment, we dropped Gabe off at our car, and I went with the foster mom to her house.  Gabe followed us and we spent the whole day at their house with Kaylee.  The foster family is amazing and we enjoyed hanging out with them, talking story.  

Before lunch, I had to run out to a postal annex that had a business center to print important papers and mail some checks so everything would go smoothly that night with the paper signing. I left Kaylee with Gabe and the foster family.  While I was gone, the foster mom left for a funeral and the foster dad went to go take a nap.  So Gabe is alone with Kaylee.  Well, my errand was taking longer than anticipated.  Gabe called me to remind me Kaylee needed to eat at 1:30 (he is very strict about having a consistent schedule) and he didn't know how to make a bottle.  I assured him I would be home before she needed to eat, but if not, he could call and I would walk him through it.  I hung up the phone and contemplated purposely waiting so he would have to learn without a safety net. But I decided that was mean. I headed to pick up lunch, but after picking it up my GPS decided to have issues and I got severely lost.  So, it was closer to 2pm before I got back to the house.  I hoped the door, Gabe was there and all he said was "She peed on me."  Apparently while I was out, she had a complete meltdown, Gabe made her a bottle, and mid feeding she peed.  And the diaper (that I had done) came undone and soaked Gabe.  HAHA!! I was so proud of my girl for initiating her daddy so well.

Done with diaper change, now for funny faces

We continued to hang out at the foster house.  They brought a tri-tip home for dinner and Gabe grilled it and we all had dinner together.  This family has such a unique way of making us feel comfortable and at home, that by dinner time, I had almost forgotten we were signing papers that night and my nervousness was mostly subsided.

After dinner, we left Kaylee and headed to our hotel room to grab a few documents and then we went downtown to our meeting place and just waited.  It was late at night and the building was locked. We were super nervous.  Gabe was nervous we would have a run-in with the birthparents which would be awkward. I was waiting for a phone call to say that last minute, the birthparents had changed their mind.  Then my phone rang and my heart stopped.  It was our social worker and she said the birthparents were done signing papers and her husband would come downstairs to let us in.  Such a wave of relief swept over me: they had signed the papers.  It was a done deal.  Thank-you Jesus!!

Kaylee with Teddy from Birthparents

As we got out of the car and headed to the door, we saw the birthparent coming out.  It was so awkward.  Here I stand in front of them, aware that they just gave their baby up for adoption.  I'm dancing with excitement on the inside, but I don't want to show that to them in their hurting state.  Gabe didn't want to talk to them, but I didn't want to give them the cold shoulder and ignore them, especially when we had committed to staying in contact with them.  So we talked to them for a bit.  They wanted to let us know they had left a teddy bear upstairs for her (that just melted my heart.  I loved that they got her something tangible).  Then, the birthfather asked if we wanted to have lunch the following day.  We must have looked like deer in the headlights! It was so unexpected!  Before Gabe could brush them off, I let them know the foster family had invited us to an event (a basketball game which I wasn't sure I wanted to take a newborn to), but we were unsure when it was and we would get back with them about meeting.  But I'd email and let them know.  Gabe wasn't super happy about my answer but he let it go.

Official custody!

We went upstairs with our social worker's husband, Joe.  Sweet man.  Made it to the 8th floor and was ushered into a very legal looking office and back to a conference room.  There, we meet Dee our social worker.  She made everything so stress free.  I think the relief of knowing the birthparents part was over helped too.  We had to sign 2 copies of several documents. Lots of papers to sign.  Strangely, I was more nervous when we bought our house than I was signing papers to gain a child.  But less than 30 minutes later, we signed our last paper: one acknowledging we had custody of Kaylee.  When we were done, Gabe said "now she's my daughter."  That moment was so special.  No more fear.  Just a hopeful future.  And for Gabe, it was a moment where he could let his guard down.  He could call her Kaylee.  He could give himself permission to bond.  So special.

After the papers were signed, we went downstairs with Dee and Joe.  We ended up talking with them outside for about an hour.  They look like they are in their 50's, but must be in their 70's because they have 10 kids (oldest is 50), 27 grandchildren, and 13 great-grandchildren (oldest is 13).  They have lots of military connections in their family and their eldest just retired from the Army where he had such a high rank Gabe was impressed.  In a way, it was nice to share that moment with someone else, and also talk about things other than the adoption.  I'm so thankful for another Christian connection God placed in this situation.

As we walked to the car, I was squealing I was so excited.  Yes, squealing.  Gabe had the biggest grin.  We just couldn't believe it.  I turned to Gabe and asked, "Can I finally announce it?!?" and he gave me permission.  That was such an exciting moment.  Up until that moment, only a few people knew.  Up until that moment, we were fearful of losing her and this opportunity.  But it melted away and a sense of calm was around us.  I told Gabe later, it felt like we have been climbing a mountain for so long, and we just got to the top where we could take a deep breath and just breathe.  But it was also a moment of realizing we had gained what we had been looking for for so long....in a moment it was done.  Longing was gone.  Daydreaming was done.  I don't know how to describe that feeling.  Just a sense of finality.  And all the heartaches (or "labor pains") were forgotten.  And a small sense of now what?

When we got back to the foster family to pick up Kaylee, we could hear her screaming before we reached the door.  Went inside and apparently she had 3 poopy diapers in the 3 hours were were gone (don't worry, we got 3 more later that night....kid was on a cleanse or something  I picked her up and she instantly settled down.  We were so excited to take her with us.  Kinda weird driving with a baby in the back.

First night with Daddy

We got to the hotel and as soon as we entered our room, Kaylee started screaming.  She had only eaten less than 2 hours before and we couldn't get her to settle down.  It took us awhile to get her settled down.  I was getting a little stressed out because I was aware that other rooms could probably hear her.  Gabe stepped up and took charge of settling her down.  As I got ready for bed, he sat down with her and I heard him say "I love you" for the first time.  He was immediately wrapped around her finger. All night, every time she made a rustle or shifted in her play pen, Gabe was up and at her side. Adorable. It was such a perfect day, but we were glad it was over and could finally sleep....in 3 hour shifts.

*While we have custody of Kaylee, the adoption won't be finalized for 6 months or so.*

Meeting Kaylee

As we walked into the hospital, I was an internal wreck.  I had butterflies of excitement mingled with a nervousness that were nauseating.  I wanted to run to her room, but was well aware that once we entered, our lives would be forever changed.

Our social worker was suppose to be there for our first meeting with the birthparents, but was unable to make it.  We stopped by the gift store and bought a small pink and white flower arrangement and headed up.  When we got to the birthmom's room, we knocked and entered.  The first thing we saw was birthmom changing the baby's diaper.  That immediately scared me. It made me realize Kaylee had been in their room for 2 days and they were caring for her.  Not that it's a bad thing, it just scared me that they would change their mind when it came down to it.  We stood in the room, flowers in hand, awkwardly waiting to introduce ourselves. The birthfather was wearing a Raiders jacket and Gabe broke the ice about making a comment about being a Bronco fan and some other lighthearted comments regarding the Raiders/Bronco rivalry.  Such a silly way to start our "hellos", but I'm so glad he did.  When the diaper was done, we introduced ourselves to the selfless couple in front of us.  

It was all I could do to contain myself from swooping up the baby girl in front of me.  I think I asked how everyone was feeling/doing, and asked permission to hold her.  I lifted her up and sat in a chair and it was so surreal.  I've held babies before, but none have left me in such awe as her.  She was sooooo pretty!  Adopting, you never know what kind of a kid you will get.  And lets all be honest, there are some pretty ugly babies in the world.  But not her.  Adorable and perfect!

While I held her, we talked with the birthparents.  We let them know we were nervous to talk to them and I think that helped.  The first question they had was for Gabe: they knew he was a marine and were concerned he would be a stereotypical marine: harsh, disciplined, and cold.  We assured them nothing could be further from the truth.  They let us know they had named her Melody Andrea, but we could change it if we wanted. We asked about the delivery.  Come to find out, they didn't know they were pregnant until the beginning of February, and they hadn't had any doctor appointments.  So when she went into labor, they went to a close hospital.  But the hospital didn't do deliveries, so they took her by ambulance to a 2nd hospital, birth dad frantically following in his car. Birth mom had a epidural and 4 pushes later Kaylee entered the world.

I asked if Gabe wanted to hold her, and he got such a big grin.  He was a little nervous but once she was in his arms, he was a goner.  We continued to talk to the birthparents and I was amazed at the ease of our ability to connect with them.  And in our conversations, I lost all nervousness that they would change their mind.  It was obvious they loved her, but were firm in their decision.  When our social worker had visited them the day before, she told them we had had a reclaim before, so she wanted them to be firm.  They were curious about that, and I think they cared enough about us that they didn't want to do that to us.  So who knows, maybe hearing we had a reclaim helped with their solidarity.

About this time, I asked Gabe if I could hold her again.  A big, long pause....he didn't want to share her!  Haha!

After about 30 minutes, a nurse came in and said it was time to discharge Kaylee.  We stepped out so the birthparents could say their goodbyes.  That was awkward again.  But when the nurse brought the baby out, we went back in to give them hugs (wasn't sure if we'd see them again for a while) and I promised the birthmom that I would love and protect her baby.  Lots of tears, but I felt like they needed love and hugs in that moment.

After that, we went to the nursery for discharge instructions.  The foster mom was there to hear them too. After getting our instructions, she gave us her information and invited us to come to her house to spend time with Kaylee.  She let Gabe carry Kaylee out to the car.  Such a proud papa!  Just watching him, my heart grew more in love with this complicated, strong and tender man.

First Family Photo

When we got back in the car, we decided it was time to call Gabe's parents.  Up to this point, only a handful of friend's and my mom and sister knew, and Gabe had made a decision that nothing went online until papers were signed.  I let Gabe choose when he wanted to tell his parents.  Since he was so nervous about this opportunity falling through, and since he has such a big family, he wanted to wait until papers were signed.  BUT, his excitement got the better of him and he decided to tell them then sooner.  He had already talked to his sister, and the plan was to facetime her and have our  5 yr old niece take the phone to Gabe's parents and announce we had a baby.  Well, she took off  with the news, but forgot the phone.  Haha.  So we didn't get to see their faced, but we heard their cries of excitement and disbelief.  What a special moment.

As much as wanted to race to the foster mom's house, but we decided we needed to eat first.  We pulled into an In-n-Out.  I wanted to use the drive thru, but Gabe insisted we go inside and take a deep breath, take our time eating.  Longest meal of my life!!  But I used the break to text pictures to all our friends/family "in the know."

It was about a 30 minute drive to the foster mom's house.  What a blessing to have her!  Such a Godly, Christian woman.  She let us be parents, she didn't try to tell us what to do or how to do things.  She answered questions if we asked, and while she stayed in the house, she would go to other rooms to give us privacy.  We got to change diapers, do our first feeding, and just love on our baby girl. We stayed there for a few hours, and then Gabe felt we should leave (they were starting dinner) and go settle in at the hotel.  I did NOT want to leave, and I was amazed at how my heart and emotions were already attached to a baby I had met 6 hours earlier.

We knew we needed sleep because the next day (Friday) would be full as it was paper signing day.  I had confidence, but until rights were terminated, there was still apprehension in our hearts.
So we went back to the hotel, ate our last dinner as a couple, and tried to sleep.