Under Contract

After receiving the offer last Tuesday (was it last week?) and spending some time going back and forth, our house is now under contract. We are set to close April 24th as long as everything goes well with the home inspection and appraisal! It has been such an answer to prayer

But after signing the papers, I went into complete overload. The pressure of working to get an acceptable offer, making decisions without Gabe, and the reality of moving were almost too much. It is very hard for me to turn my mind off on a normal day, so with so much going on I didn't sleep much for a few days. Thankfully, I have great friends who were able to calm me down.  I spent one night at a Joe Nichols concert and the next at a rodeo.  It was a great way to put my thoughts of scheduling and packing on a shelf and give myself time to reboot. And the topping on the cake is that I got some email contact with Gabe for a few days, so he's in the loop.

My life still has many unknowns, but at least I'm moving forward.  I am working with Gabe's old unit here in town to schedule shipping our household goods, my car, and the flight for Gibbs and me. And all are going to be at different times. But it's do-able.

The biggest decision now is whether or not to suspend our adoption.  We are given a 9 month hold for instances such as moving, having a baby, an emergency, or just any reason. During that time, we are not presented to any birthmothers and it doesn't count as time on our contract. We haven't made any decisions yet, but I did call and spoke with our coordinator and let her know what's going on in our life.  I've told her that we can't accept a baby before July. It was so hard for me to be ok with that, but it will take a month or more once I get to Hawaii to get a homestudy done again. Also, Gabe and I have been praying that we can prepare to be parents while we wait.  And part of being good parents is putting our child before ourselves.  And that starts now. Sure, I could say 'yes' to a baby tomorrow, but I'd be moving in April (out of our house), then moving again in June (to Hawaii). Not having stability for a child isn't good. It is so hard for me to make a conscience decision that keeps us from bringing home a baby sooner, but I know it's the right thing.

Lessons in Waiting Through Selling a House

In January, we started the process of putting our house on the market. It was very stressful for me because 1) I was doing it alone, and 2) when we bought our house, we didn't have a good realtor and were taken advantage of, and 3) selling our house changes so much with our adoption/moving plans. Our homestudy in Missouri is tied to this house, and while I could update it, that might not be worth it for just an added month or two. Also, once the house sells, obviously I have to be out so that could change my plans for when I move to Hawaii.  As it stands right now, May 25 is the earliest I can move because of Gibb's paperwork and one of my dearest friend is getting married May 24th (yes, you Emily!)

Well, the house sat on the market for almost 2 months with no viewings.  Lots of online activity, but no hits.  I started to think it would never sell, worry about the price (which we don't have lots of wiggle room,) and just the whole situation.  I felt we had bitten off more than we could chew.  While renting the house out was a backup option, that is a last resort in my mind. So I've just praying that God would help me trust in him.  I remember driving on evening petitioning him for patience and the ability to remember that He is bigger than the situation; that He was in charge.  I prayed to keep in the forefront of my mind that I didn't need 100 showings, just that 1 that was from Him. And I gave the situation over to him because as much as I just wanted to 'fix it' and 'make things happen' I can't.  I can't do anything to make this move faster (just like the adoption). So I surrendered the whole situation to Him.  But it was a daily surrendering.  A constant struggle not to make things happen but allow Him to work.

This past week, I've had my godchildren and their parents living with me while their house has some updates done (goodbye popcorn ceilings!). We had a great time but stayed up waaaay too late Friday night watching movies.  So we all slept in Saturday.  When I finally drug my sorry behind out of bed, I got a phone call for a viewing.  I said 'of course', hung up, and started freaking out!  Not only had I let the house go because of lack of viewings, but I had 4 extra people in my house with all their stuff. But I am so grateful they were here! They jumped in and helped get the house clean, even 'Bug' who walked around with a duster.  The house was in mint condition, even the back deck....so much more than I could have done alone in an hour and a half. Then we went out to eat so our adreneline could calm down.  A few hours later, I got a call for a 2nd viewing for Sunday! I was so excited!

Well, after the showing on Sunday, Monday came and went. And by 8 o'clock Tuesday, I'd given up and assumed no offer would be made. At 9pm, my realtor called to let me know an offer had been made! We talked all the details with that, and it's too low for me to accept.  But we are in informal talks explaining what I can do and what I can't.  And I'm excited.  I'll know more tomorrow. I'm just praying we can find a middle ground without scaring anyone away.  And I'm doing all this while Gabe is out of contact for the rest of the week, if not longer! So that is a little stressful.

But the point is, God pulled through just like I asked.  I asked for Him to take control of the situation and to help me trust in Him. To have the knowledge that He had full control of the situation and that I didn't need to worry about the number of showings, but to trust he would bring the 1 buyer at the right time. And He did! I'm in awe about how specifically I prayed about the number of showings and just needing the 1 buyer, and that's exactly how he answered.  Like it was a tangible way of reminding me of how big He is. And it gives me sooooo much encouragement for our adoption. We are praying in very similar ways: For God to bring us the right baby at the right time, and to have the patience to wait in prayer without trying to make things happen outside of His plan.

I just want to say thanks to all our friends and family out there who were specifically praying about our house situation. It means so much to have people to share our struggles and worries with and know they aren't just going to say they will pray; they actually do.  You prayer warriors are amazing!

Sharing Stories

Today, I had the privilege of attending a baby shower for a friend from church.  There were lots of wonderful ladies, some friendly faces, some I knew who they were but hadn't spoken to much, and even a few new faces.  It was a lovely time and I got to spend some time getting to know some ladies better.  One lady in particular was very interested to learn that we were adopted.  She had been adopted herself after years in the foster system and had trouble conceiving for several years. While I didn't learn every detail of those experiences, I found it heartwarming to hear someone else's story, hear they had a similar struggle, but mostly it was good to hear someone else has gone through the same emotions at I in certain times in their life.

Growing up, I knew a few kids that were adopted, but I never knew the circumstances as to the story behind their adoption.  I assume they were closed adoptions that happened around their birth. But it was something that wasn't really discussed.  Mostly because it was nobody's business to bring it up and as far as I knew, the parents never brought it up in conversation either.  While there is nothing wrong with that, I look back and wish I had heard more stories about adoption growing up. Mainly because I felt I had to keep our struggles a secret for so long and how it is almost ingrained in me for a long time not to talk about our struggles.  I think opportunities have been lost in some circles where people aren't comfortable to share their struggles and encourage others through it. It's so nice to know others have stood where you stand now, and they made it through!

That's probably why I blog.  It started as a way to keep people informed about our process because not alot of people in our lives know anything about adoption.  Then it slowly grew to be an outlet, and a way to force allow myself to be more open; a stretching tool.  But now, I just want our story to encourage someone else. A friend who is considering adoption.  Or just a random person who stumbles across this far from charismatic blog to find encouragement that they aren't alone.  It's hard to find a balance between being honest and not having a pity party some days.  But I want to express the hard days just as much as the good ones, but with a positive twist without emotions consuming my words.

So I would just encourage those who have an adoption story to share it, especially with me.  You never know who is just needing to hear someone else's story and be encouraged by it. It will connect you with people in a way that is hard to describe. It's an experience you share that most people can't understand. I know I just soak up each story and struggle I hear.  Each is different with its own ups and downs, struggles and joys.  But it opens my eyes to things to prepare for as well and the blessings in my life. And it takes away the feeling of loneliness and replaces it with a feeling of community. Sharing yourself with others is important.

Blessing in the form of Technology

With Gabe deployed, there are days I feel alone in our adoption process.  I feel like I am the only one living "the waiting game".  That I am the only ones who has emotions to deal with, and that I have to deal with them alone.  Yes, I have great friends, some who have even adopted themselves.  But Gabe is my partner in this.

So when Gabe informed me that he got a whole week off to enjoy his host country, I was really excited!  This means access to wifi, which means he can text, facetime, and facebook chat with me. While we have been able to sporadically email each other and receive an occasional satellite phone call, it's good to really feel connected at a deeper level. I am so thankful that if we have to be separated, it is in today's world and not in one where letters are the only form of communication.

We really got to talk about adoption tonight.  Just where we are in the process, sharing each other's concerns and fears. But most importantly, just encouraging each other to keep going. January marked 4 years that we have been trying to start a family. 4 years!! That's a long time to be planning and hoping, but not having it go anywhere.  Most people try for a few months, get pregnant, then have a baby 9 months later.  For them, it could be maybe a year of waiting for their blessing.  Not for us. That's why when we signed up for our adoption, it was so exciting.  We has silently been planning and hoping, but by signing up for adoption, (in our mind) it meant we would be parents.  We could start buying little things here or there.  Grab hand-me-downs from friends who have completed their families. And most importantly, we allowed ourselves to be more transparent and let people into our life more.

Flash forward 10 months.  Yes, it's been 10 months since we signed up. Honestly, I didn't think we would be waiting this long.  I really thought the process would speed along. But here we are. And I'm ok with that some days.  But others, I start to wonder if it will ever happen.  I'm so tired of the up and down emotions that started 4 years ago.  But it's not something I can just give up on, so the emotions  seems never ending. And I think in the emotional exhaustion, it is easy to turn that frustration on yourself and fault yourself. I can blame myself for physical issues.  I can blame myself for not being a good enough Christian (although I've spent lots of time in pray and there is always room to grow, I don't feel heaviness on my heart that I need to fix something in my life before I can be blessed with a child).  And these feelings can consume a person easily. And in those moments, I feel foolish for the shopping I've done. Silly for announcing (and blogging) to the world that we are adopting. Like we are all talk and it will never happen.

As Gabe and I talked about adoption, he brought up his concerns.  And they were exactly what I've been feeling.  His frustration in waiting.  Blame created by false guilt (which is not how God works). What a relief to know my partner in this is just as human as I am.  That he struggles in similar ways. It reminds me I'm not alone. We are in this journey together. We may not be able to hold hands and reassure each other, but we can talk in a way that feels like we are holding hands (thanks to technology). I have definitely been graced with the perfect partner to go on this roller coaster with.