National Adoption Month - My Rant

This girl. I can’t get enough of her. She lights up simple moments of my day, then subsequently makes me want to pull my hair out. Every day I feel blessed. Not just blessed to be her mom, but blessed that my journey to motherhood has turned out so well.

Sometimes I hear  people who make naïve comments about adoption. I don’t think they realize 1) I can hear them, 2) Kaylee is adopted, or 3) what they are really saying. I really don’t make a huge effort to correct educated them. While it’s a personal subject for me, I don’t feel the need to jump into every discussion to try to “win” the argument. Honestly, it just makes my heart sad. Sad that some people won’t consider adoption at all and don’t see the beauty in it, the joy that can be found in it. I’ve seen people discussing adoption topics, and when the subject turns back on them, all of a sudden it’s an uncomfortable word and they brush the topic off with feint humility of being too underprepared to consider it for themselves (when it’s really just a nice way to say they aren’t interested). I get that adoption mostly likely isn’t people’s first choice. It wasn’t mine. But that’s almost what makes it even more beautiful: the unselfishness, the tears and  healing, and love that comes out of it. Granted, I strongly believe that God needs to call someone to adopt just like he calls people to their vocation or community or passion...pursuit without God’s leading can be a treturous road. But it hurts when people won’t even consider it. At least pray about it people!! And the excuse every uses is they don’t want a difficult child. I know so many biological children who are screwed up individuals. Genes don’t count for everything. And biology doesn’t mean “healthy”...and health is a realive term sometimes (people are scared of different).  If you are thinking “that’s easy for you to say, your daughter is a sweetheart and looks like she could be your biological kid too.”  Well, we prayed for her for 3 years...that might have had something to do with how awesome she is. And not only did we pray for her and who she was, we prayed that we would fit her, not have her fit our ideals.

Adoption might not be for everyone, but how can you say it’s not for you if you haven’t really prayed about it or educated yourself? Is your answer you talking, trying to keep your perfect ideals? What would your family look like if you prayed that God grow your family as he saw fit. And whatever that looks like, your ok with that. Orphans are special to him. Don’t you think he would honor a heart that pursues caring for those children? Maybe life would be a little bit messier, but what blessings and joys could you be missing out on?

Ok ok, maybe you  aren’t called to adopt. But you can support those who are. When is the last time you encouraged a foster mom? When is the last time you packed a shoebox? What can you do in your community to support these families who have taken a leap of faith? Just a thought...

Ok, so that’s my rant. It’s National Adoption Month and just wanted to get my opinion out there. Provoke some thought.

I'm Glad God Made Me Wait

Yesterday, we celebrated Kaylee's 6 month birthday.  Time has flown by! She is on her 2nd round of teething (with nothing to show for it), eating baby food, and super close to crawling.  We are exhausted constantly but loving the growth and changes we see in her.  I'm so thankful I can be at home and not miss a moment.

Yesterday also marked the 2 year anniversary of getting matched with our failed adoption in 2014. In a way, 2 years sounds like a lifetime, but the effects of that experience will probably always affect me.  I still pray for the little boy that was almost mine, and ask God to watch over him and bring someone into his life that speaks truth to him and leads him to Christ.

So that was yesterday.  A reminder of the pain it took to get to the joys of today.  And I'm glad God made me wait.  *Cue Gasp* What? Did she just say that?  Yes I did.  This impatient, emotionally volatile self is glad I had to wait.  And here's why: through waiting, I allowed God to give me his best.

When I say God's best, I don't mean that the little boy that almost was apart of our family wouldn't have made us happy.  Or that we couldn't have loved and cherished any of the babies that found homes in the time we waited.  I'm a firm believer that God would have blessed any of those situations.  But he held out, making us wait 6 years for Kaylee.  And by saying I'm glad I waited, it doesn't mean the waiting was enjoyable.  It was painstakingly difficult and emotionally draining. I might not always understand why it took so long.  He is in control of everything and had the foreknowledge.  He could have had her be born years earlier. He could have made Kaylee our biological child. He could have done this or that. But it is becoming more clear every day that Kaylee was made to be apart of our family regardless of her genetics.  She is a perfect fit.

So here's my list for some of the ways I got God's best:

1. I got God's best in the timing. Gabe and I have had multiple conversations on this one. When we got the call for Kaylee, it was NOT the perfect time in either Gabe or I's careers.  With the baby boy in 2014, everything seemed so perfect and it fell in to place so much easier. This time, Gabe had plans to leave for California for a few months, he was looking at a huge career move, and I was on the upward trend at work finally gaining respect.  While Gabe has spent considerable time away since we got Kaylee, Gabe's career has taken a different direction and its more family friendly.  I stepped away from my position at the end of May. Both decisions were made because of Kaylee, but they have been good decisions that we are thankful we made.  But we wouldn't have made them without Kaylee. Also, with the timing of when we got Kaylee, it will give us enough time to finalize her adoption while still in Hawaii (another perk of Gabe's career going in a different direction) which will save us time, money, and stress. So in the moment, it didn't seem like the perfect time, looking back we are thankful for how it all worked out.   
2. I got God's best with no heads up. Kind of a crazy thing to be thankful for. But the timing worked in my favor because I didn't have a heads up.  I didn't have time to plan anything or stress for months leading up to her birth.  And through that, I think I changed the most.  I'm not worried about anything.  I don't stress in my parenting.  I don't need to read a bunch of books.  I'm NOT a go-with-the-flow person, but I've been going with the flow and its working out well. Kaylee grounds me.  She makes me not so high strung.  I think it's because she has taught me how to prioritize.  Does she have a need? Yes. Then lets meet it...without being worried about what others think or how messy its gonna be or anything else.  It's all about meeting her needs in that moment in the best way for her. Period. Nothing else matters. I think if I started out my parenting journey stressing about this being perfect or the timing of that, I would be a stressed out parent.  Which Kaylee would sense and it could negatively affect her. So when it comes to timing, I am mostly thankful that it was a last minute placement.  I'm thankful there was no heads up. And for anyone who knows me, they know what a life changing statement that is.
   
3. I got God's best in my relationship with Kaylee's birth mom.  When we first signed up to adopt, I immediately started praying for our future birth mother.  I knew she was important, someone I would be tied to in a unique way for years. She would be someone that our child would be curious about and have many questions about. So because of that, I wanted an open adoption.  I wanted some of the questions and what-ifs to be answered, hopefully giving our child a healthier sense of self and confidence.  I also knew it could be a unique opportunity to love on someone and show them Christ. So we prayed for her.  And we hit the jackpot.  She is sweet, kind, and genuinely care for us as a family unit.  When she knows Gabe is away, she longs to hear how excited he was to be home with his girls.  She tells me she loves me and is thankful for me. She never tries to tell me how she thinks Kaylee should be raised. She isn't pushy and I've never felt threatened by her. She is thoughtful and gracious in ways that are beyond her years.  I did the math this morning and Kaylee's birth parents would just be graduating high school when we signed up with our agency.  If Kaylee would have been born then, Kaylee's birth mom may not have had the graceful spirit she has now.  And that plays a HUGE part in my ability to communicate with her.  So by waiting, I think we are both in a place to handle this complicated relationship in a way that is going to make our open arrange easier.  Which will make it better for Kaylee, which is the whole purpose of it.
4. I got God's best with the perfect baby. Halfway through our adoption journey I had a light bulb moment and changed how I was praying.  I think it was also a moment I let go of the baby boy.  I realized I had been praying for a baby that would be a perfect fit for us and our lives. I realized how selfish and twisted that was. Here I was, praying to be a parent and it was all about me.  So I started praying for a child who we could give them what they need (instead of them fitting into our lives).  Isn't that what the best parents do?  Example: Good parents don't expect a child to flourish by the parent's love language.  A good parent finds their child's love language and uses that to love on their children. I prayed that I would be the one person in the world that would have the right words and just the right moment that could alter our child's life.  That one defining moment, the fork in the road.  That God would give us a child that we could point them down the right path with someone else may have sent them down the other one. My prayers became about the best for my future child, instead of my wants.  And in waiting for the baby I would be the best parent to, I got the perfect child.  Kaylee looks like she belongs in our family.  I forget that she is adopted or even the fact that she isn't Asian (proof love is blind).  She is ridiculously ticklish just like her daddy.  She is opinionated, chatty, and can be super stubborn like me. And the list goes on and on.  It's easy to see that God created her to be in our family.  We were even talking last night that she is happy, healthy, and she seems to know she is safe.  That's all we want for her.  But maybe the bonding would have been different with a different child which would have made it harder for them to be happy or to feel safe. And if that was the child we were given, we would work through it. But because we waited, I feel God rewarded us with the little "perks" that are not taken for granted; we see them as jackpots.

So those are just a few ways that I am so grateful for how our long journey has ended.  And for those of you who have prayed for us during our journey, I hope this gives you a glimpse of how your prayers helped bring the best baby {for us} into our lives. 

17 Things I've Learned Since Becoming a Mom

I have been a mom for about 5 1/2 weeks now.  It seems like forever since we flew to Nevada, and yet it seems like no time at all. Just this past week, she's started to change....filling out in baby rolls, noticeably denser, increase in appetite, and we are about to graduate to size 1 diapers! I've learned so much in that time.  And had lots of funny moments learning too.  So below is my list for new moms to learn from, and seasoned moms to laugh at.

1) Sleep in an unnecessary part of life.  And don't let the first 2 weeks fool you.  During Kaylee's first 2 weeks of life, she slept 3-5 hours at night.  Flash forward to almost 6 weeks and she wants a bottle every 2.5 hours. If you calculate half an hour to make and feed the bottle, change her diaper, and 15 minutes to burp and cuddle her, we only get maybe 2 hours of sleep at a time. So basically we are living on naps. And I would say we are highly functioning.  I'm working 2 mornings a week and Gabe ran a 6 mile race today. Our laundry gets done as do our dishes (lets not talk about other areas of the house). We are highly social and don't go to bed earlier than our life before Kaylee. All without naps during the day. Sleep is overrated.

1a) Everyone you meet is interested in your sleep life. It's one of the top 3 questions I get "how much does she sleep?" aka how much is she allowing you to sleep. I don't know if strangers get a dark pleasure in picturing you exhausted with red eyes and matted hair in the middle of the night trying to soothe a fussy baby. Or maybe its a silent mental competition in which they can say "my baby slept better" in their mind. *note: when your friends ask the same question, it's said with care and concern.  Be honest and let them help if you need it.

2) I have the best, smartest, and most beautiful baby in the whole world.  Yes, I am one of those annoying people.  My baby has the most open, alert eyes and her face is so animated and expressive, which has to mean she must be smart, right? I mean, I would swear she can say (ok, more of a grunt) "hi" when she wakes  up in the morning and sees me. She is going to be a genius, I can tell already, ahead of the curve on so many things.  During tummy time, she's already showing the early signs of crawling. And she already looks like she has some teeth that will come in soon.

2a) I've caught myself mass texting pictures of Kaylee to everyone I know.  At first people were begging for photos, excited for this new baby...now not so much. I did it without thinking for so long, but now I have to curb my "look at my adorable baby" moments so I still have friends left in a few months.  *If you want to be added to my 'newsletter', let me know haha

3) Always be in charge of the diaper bag. Know the saying, if you want it done right do it yourself? Well, modify that and say, if you want to be assured the diaper bag makes it to the car, take it yourself. Yes, the is a story behind this one.  Gabe wanted to take me out to cheesecake factory (and i had free cheesecake coupons that expired that day) so we loaded up and drove down to Waikiki, a 30-45 minute drive to the most crowded 10 blocks in the world.  Upon parking I asked where he put the diaper bag.  He said he thought I grabbed it. After checking the entire car to confirm my thoughtfully packed bag was still on a chair at home, we looked at each other. Our eyes asked each other if we should risk it, and in unison our daring looks turned to disappointment knowing we didn't want to face the wrath of a baby mid-meal an hour from home. So I went to go get our free cheesecake and we headed home. No wrath to be had, but there was a nasty diaper as soon as we walked in.

3a) You days of living on the edge are over. Refer to point #3
3b) Keep back up baby necessitates in the car. Refer to point #3

4) When you change a diaper and your spouse gets a blow out on the next diaper, you will be treated like a traitor and your motives are called into question. And the won't believe it was out of your control or unintentional...you sabotaged them on purpose!

5) There is always one more burp.  Kaylee seems like a gassy baby.  We don't have anything else to compare her to, so it might not be as bad.  But we burp and burp her.  I can burp her for 20 minutes and there will always be a hidden one there that works itself up and needs assistance to come about about the time I drift to sleep.

5a) When babies spit up, they smile.  The smile is most likely a reaction to your face.  And then they pass out, dead asleep, leaving you to clean up their mess.
5b) Baby sneezes after eating often contain spit up.  Enough said.

6) I thought having a girl would mean we get to skip the dirty stage.  Not so. This kid is the messiest eater I have ever seen.  It just drips out the corners of her mouth, down her chin, and runs around her neck if we don't stop it. Cleaning up with a wet wipe or sponge bath doesn't cut it, she gets baths regularly...but thankfully she loves them.

6a) Bibs are our best friend.  And we can't seem to keep them in stock. *note, if anyone tells you not to take a bib when you go pick up (or deliver) your newborn, take one anyways.  If you don't, your kid will probably be an outrageous pig while eating.

7) Babies have an amazing sense of timing. Even with Kaylee's tummy nice and full, she can smell real food a mile away. The timer on the microwave will wake Kaylee up every time, even from upstairs.

8) Don't forget to explain to your husband the baby knowledge you have, even the tidbits you think are obvious.  Case and point, my poor husband had Kaylee on his knee doing the MC Hammer "You Can't Touch This" dance after eating.  I didn't tell him you don't jiggle a baby after eating, I thought he knew and was living on the dangerous side. Nope, and he got the biggest case of spit up yet. While I captured it all on camera for my personal entertainment, the moment might have ended differently had I shared my common baby knowledge with him.

8a) Once you share the baby tidbits about swaddling, your husband will overnight become a pro and put your swaddling skills to shame.

9) Your instincts kick in. I'll be honest, I didn't read but maybe one baby book (in 2014) and I haven't been online or on pinterest much.  But I haven't felt I really needed to.  As my sister said, people have been raising children for thousands of years and I can't do any worse than them. When we first got to the foster mom's house and really got to be with Kaylee, the knowledge that no one else was going to change her diaper, make her bottle, get up in the middle of the night, it threw me into momma mode and the instincts followed.

9a) I'm not the nervous-nilly I thought I would be. Hooray! I think when the instincts kicked in, I calmed down and a side of me I wasn't expecting came out.   I'm normally high strung, not very trusting of others, and have to be in control of every situation. But I'm not worried about other people holding Kaylee (but we only have a small circle of people in our lives in Hawaii), I'm not worried about little kids holding her on the couch, her cries don't turn me into a panicked crazy bottle maker...in fact I can tune her out a little in the car.  When she was first born, I wasn't one to check on her for no reason in the middle of the night.  No, that was Dad.  My calm husband traded me for the nervous nilly title, which I think is kinda sweet to see him so worried and protective over Kaylee.  If the dog sneezes on Kaylee, I'm like "eh, he will be eating food out of her hand at some point and she'll use that hand to feed herself.  Can't protect her all the time." Gabe on the other hand, would kick the dog outside and baptize the baby with disinfectant.


10) Mornings are my favorite part of the day.  Kaylee sleeps well at night and doesn't need entertaining in the middle of the night to go back to bed.  However, around her 6 am feeding, she is awake for over an hour after being fed.  I love this time with her.  Our room is still partly dark, and her eyes look so big! It's our time to just stare at each other and give each other our full attention.  It's the time of day she is most content and is just chilling with me.

11) Facetime with the grandparents is the most humorous thing you will ever see. I'm amazed at the baby talk that comes from the hard nosed people that used to discipline us. The turn to jello and their conversations with Kaylee warm my heart as well as make me die laughing inside. But I'm so thankful they want to be apart of her life.

12) Having a baby is never what you expect. A friend told me this week (regarding a job), that it is never what you expect so be prepared for that, whether it's better or worse than you imagined.  I think you can apply that to parenting.  It's not what I expected, but that doesn't mean it's better or worse.  It's just not what I expected (in some areas).  I wasn't expecting to find it hard to leave Kaylee at the foster home after only 4 hours with her.  I wasn't expecting to bond with her so easily, and I sure wasn't expecting to feel her bond with me (at 5 weeks she is tracking me with her eyes and I love it!). I thought I would have more time to do housework for the first few months because I expected her to sleep more. I also didn't expect the number of bottles or diapers I go through in a day.  But it doesn't mean the time with her is any less special changing a diaper or washing a bottle.

13) Sometime seasoned moms aren't always right, take all advice with a grain of salt and follow your gut.  I've had good and bad advice (although mostly good), but I have to measure that advice against what works for Kaylee. *note, if anyone tells you not to take a bib when you go pick up (or deliver) your newborn, take one anyways.  If you don't, your kid will probably be an outrageous pig while eating. Refer to point #6.

14) When you have kids, your un-opinionated husband all of a sudden has opinions.  He even has an opinion on which diapers he likes better.  He thinks babies don't need clothes until they are 1 (He rolls his eyes at every cute outfit I put Kaylee in and wonders out loud as to why people keep sending us cute clothes...he is more of sleeper guy because it has a zipper and is easy to put on).

15) I married a rockstar. I always knew this but had only seen him in his husband role.  And while I always knew he would be a good dad, he has taken his father role and run with it.  He doesn't shy away from anything (except maybe a really rank diaper, but he will do it).  He has been home the past 3 weeks since Kaylee and I returned from Nevada.  Since then, we switch off nights and I think he has done more nights than me.  He watches Kaylee when I need to run out or go to work. He makes bottles, plays with Kaylee, reads her books, and is the master burper.  He runs errands (and always seems to come home with baby items), cleans the  house, the list goes on. In many ways, I think he is the better parent. And I haven't heard him complain once.  I am forever grateful that he gives Kaylee (and me) his attention when he is at home.  He doesn't have anything that is more important than us in his life.  There are no video game distractions, parties to go to, etc.  He is invested and focused on his family. *Love you Gabe! I couldn't do this, or want to do this, without you on my team.

16) Your relationship with your spouse changes.  But it's not a bad thing, its just different. We have waaaaay more humor in our lives.  We laugh at Kaylee, at ourselves. Maybe its the lack of sleep or insanity of being in the house so much, but we entertain ourselves with a 8lb baby and the humorous moments in being first time parents.  For example, I have created a game in which Gabe participates unwittingly.  When Kaylee poops, if I know he will be home in a few minutes, I wait and try to trick him into daddy/daughter time before he can smell anything.  Usually I pass her to him and say, "oh you may want to check her diaper on your way upstairs." Then I just wait.....his reactions never disappoint.  We have something to talk about in the evenings that isn't work related. Our time together has to be planned so dates are more intentional and thought out. And I think seeing your spouse love on your child, it makes you love them on a whole new level. After all, you both have this beautiful baby that you both love unconditionally....if that doesn't connect you in a new way, I'm not sure what will.

17) I don't try to be a perfect mom. A baby is a neon flashing sign that says "You Have Alot to Learn." As much as you think you are put together, you're still not going to have it right all the time.  I know I won't be a perfect mom, and I'm ok with that.  I was lucky enough to have an ah-ha moment and realize perfection was unattainable and striving for it would just frustrate me, which would end up affecting Kaylee. I'm just trying to make sure Kaylee has all her needs met and is loved on. Sometimes I can't figure out what she wants and Gabe walks in the door and solves the issue right away (aren't moms suppose to get that stuff easier than dads?). Moments like that are humbling and make me question if I'm doing something wrong.  I have to let those moments go and just do what I can.  She's fed, changed, and held.  That's all she needs right now.  As she grows, I'll grow in my parenting.  We'll grow in life together.

First Weekend as a Family of Three

Our first weekend as a family of three was busy!

On Saturday we met Kaylee's birthparents for lunch.  We were nervous to spend more time with them.  It was more of a nervous about it being awkward.  They had already terminated their rights, so the "threat" of them changing their mind was gone, but how do you start a conversation in a situation like this?  We met at Mimi's cafe.  I am still amazed at what a good time we had.  In fact, surprisingly, Kaylee wasn't the basis of most of our conversations. It was like we were 2 couples getting to know each other, not two different types of parents connected by one little girl.  We did small talk, we asked and answered questions, we laughed and joked.  I was continually amazed at how similar we are!  For example, both Gabe and birthfather don't like onions, in fact it's the only thing they won't eat.  The birthmother and I like the same type of tv shows which are crime stories, but we both have to watch them when our significant other isn't around because they don't like us watching them. Just little things like that. It was just an easy meeting.  At no time did I feel there was a turf war and I didn't feel threatened in my new role of Kaylee's mom. They didn't come in telling us how to plan her future.  They were very respectful and acknowledged our role as Kaylee's parents. And while they seemed emotionally subdued, they had a maturity beyond their years in this situation. 

At the end of lunch, we asked the waitress to take a photo of all of us together.  It was important to me that Kaylee know what her birthparents look like, but also to see that we got along and all love her.  Then, to our surprise, they asked if we needed any baby items and if we wanted to go to babies r us which was just around the corner.  We did have a small list, so we all went shopping together! Gabe was determined he could find puppy pads for babies.  I thought he was crazy but low and behold, he found what he was looking for: disposable changing paper.  I thought it was unnecessary, but we got some and it has since saved my bacon more than once.  It was a little weird shopping for Kaylee with her birthparents with us.  I think I felt as if I had to include them in my shopping decisions: what bibs did they like, what did they think of this or that.  Probably just me trying to make the situation not awkward. But they didn't voice any options even when asked. They let me make the choices over which bibs and socks to get. I felt they were very intentional about taking a step back.  They want to be connected to Kaylee, but more on the sidelines than spotlight.

Overall, it was a interesting, yet good day.  I think it helped Gabe get more comfortable with the idea of actually having an open adoption and what it would be like. I genuinely like this couple and enjoyed our time getting to know each other better. I hope that our future contact will be as easy and relaxed.  It once again put my mind at ease that they were confident with their decision and I don't need to be scared they would change their minds.  They are very sweet and I think they are the most selfless people I know.

On Sunday, we went back to the foster family in the morning.  A gracious friend took the liberty of finding a photographer in the Reno area that was willing to do newborn photos on short notice.  And the foster family opened up their home to us so we could take photos in a home environment with good lighting.

I think purple is her color

My beautiful girl

The photographer was amazing.  She was about our age and a mother of 3 boys!  She took charge of Kaylee...posing her, soothing her....I just sat back and watched.  It was an interesting time.  The photographer wanted her naked so she could pose her cute.  Well, first the photographer spent some time trying to get Kaylee to sleep.  In the process, Kaylee pooped all over her blanket.  So we cleaned her up.  Then, we got her posed but Kaylee wouldn't go to sleep.  Then she peed on that set up.  Since she wasn't sleeping, we scratched that idea and did lots of swaddled shots.  We got just about done, and she peed again! Thankfully, our photographer didn't mind and came expecting a few accidents.

As the photographer took photos, I just watched.  I had a moment where things hit home.  I realized I would be watching her in so many moments, moments that I wouldn't be interacting with her, but just watching. Gymnastics, t-ball, piano recitals. It was the moment that brought tears to my eyes.  We are so completely in love with our Kaylee Rose, and are looking forward to seeing the little girl she becomes.

Gaining Custody

Friday morning, I was up before my alarm clock went off.  It was the day we would get custody, and our last day to worry about losing our girl.

We headed to Burger King for a quick bite, and the foster mom met us there with Kaylee.  We piled in her car (both in the backseat) and we headed to Kaylee's first doctor's appointment.  That was a first for us.  In my daydreaming about our future family, doctor's appointment daydreams were overlooked.  When we checked in, we told them our story of being adoptive parents.  They didn't care what her legal name was at the moment, they wanted us to put down what we wanted her to be called.  So filling out the doctor forms was the first time I got to write her name down.

The appointment was quick.  The foster mom went in with us and was able to answer questions about her eating and sleeping habits the previous night.  There was 2 doctors that came in, one practiced doctor and one that seemed like a student. Surprisingly, I wasn't too worried about the doctor who was moving Kaylee all around and checking her out; I was focused on answering questions, asking questions, and taking in any and all information I could.  When we checked out, the receipt had Kaylee's name on it.  There it was, printed on paper: Kaylee Honsberger.  That was a big moment for me, it made it real.

After the appointment, we dropped Gabe off at our car, and I went with the foster mom to her house.  Gabe followed us and we spent the whole day at their house with Kaylee.  The foster family is amazing and we enjoyed hanging out with them, talking story.  

Before lunch, I had to run out to a postal annex that had a business center to print important papers and mail some checks so everything would go smoothly that night with the paper signing. I left Kaylee with Gabe and the foster family.  While I was gone, the foster mom left for a funeral and the foster dad went to go take a nap.  So Gabe is alone with Kaylee.  Well, my errand was taking longer than anticipated.  Gabe called me to remind me Kaylee needed to eat at 1:30 (he is very strict about having a consistent schedule) and he didn't know how to make a bottle.  I assured him I would be home before she needed to eat, but if not, he could call and I would walk him through it.  I hung up the phone and contemplated purposely waiting so he would have to learn without a safety net. But I decided that was mean. I headed to pick up lunch, but after picking it up my GPS decided to have issues and I got severely lost.  So, it was closer to 2pm before I got back to the house.  I hoped the door, Gabe was there and all he said was "She peed on me."  Apparently while I was out, she had a complete meltdown, Gabe made her a bottle, and mid feeding she peed.  And the diaper (that I had done) came undone and soaked Gabe.  HAHA!! I was so proud of my girl for initiating her daddy so well.

Done with diaper change, now for funny faces

We continued to hang out at the foster house.  They brought a tri-tip home for dinner and Gabe grilled it and we all had dinner together.  This family has such a unique way of making us feel comfortable and at home, that by dinner time, I had almost forgotten we were signing papers that night and my nervousness was mostly subsided.

After dinner, we left Kaylee and headed to our hotel room to grab a few documents and then we went downtown to our meeting place and just waited.  It was late at night and the building was locked. We were super nervous.  Gabe was nervous we would have a run-in with the birthparents which would be awkward. I was waiting for a phone call to say that last minute, the birthparents had changed their mind.  Then my phone rang and my heart stopped.  It was our social worker and she said the birthparents were done signing papers and her husband would come downstairs to let us in.  Such a wave of relief swept over me: they had signed the papers.  It was a done deal.  Thank-you Jesus!!

Kaylee with Teddy from Birthparents

As we got out of the car and headed to the door, we saw the birthparent coming out.  It was so awkward.  Here I stand in front of them, aware that they just gave their baby up for adoption.  I'm dancing with excitement on the inside, but I don't want to show that to them in their hurting state.  Gabe didn't want to talk to them, but I didn't want to give them the cold shoulder and ignore them, especially when we had committed to staying in contact with them.  So we talked to them for a bit.  They wanted to let us know they had left a teddy bear upstairs for her (that just melted my heart.  I loved that they got her something tangible).  Then, the birthfather asked if we wanted to have lunch the following day.  We must have looked like deer in the headlights! It was so unexpected!  Before Gabe could brush them off, I let them know the foster family had invited us to an event (a basketball game which I wasn't sure I wanted to take a newborn to), but we were unsure when it was and we would get back with them about meeting.  But I'd email and let them know.  Gabe wasn't super happy about my answer but he let it go.

Official custody!

We went upstairs with our social worker's husband, Joe.  Sweet man.  Made it to the 8th floor and was ushered into a very legal looking office and back to a conference room.  There, we meet Dee our social worker.  She made everything so stress free.  I think the relief of knowing the birthparents part was over helped too.  We had to sign 2 copies of several documents. Lots of papers to sign.  Strangely, I was more nervous when we bought our house than I was signing papers to gain a child.  But less than 30 minutes later, we signed our last paper: one acknowledging we had custody of Kaylee.  When we were done, Gabe said "now she's my daughter."  That moment was so special.  No more fear.  Just a hopeful future.  And for Gabe, it was a moment where he could let his guard down.  He could call her Kaylee.  He could give himself permission to bond.  So special.

After the papers were signed, we went downstairs with Dee and Joe.  We ended up talking with them outside for about an hour.  They look like they are in their 50's, but must be in their 70's because they have 10 kids (oldest is 50), 27 grandchildren, and 13 great-grandchildren (oldest is 13).  They have lots of military connections in their family and their eldest just retired from the Army where he had such a high rank Gabe was impressed.  In a way, it was nice to share that moment with someone else, and also talk about things other than the adoption.  I'm so thankful for another Christian connection God placed in this situation.

As we walked to the car, I was squealing I was so excited.  Yes, squealing.  Gabe had the biggest grin.  We just couldn't believe it.  I turned to Gabe and asked, "Can I finally announce it?!?" and he gave me permission.  That was such an exciting moment.  Up until that moment, only a few people knew.  Up until that moment, we were fearful of losing her and this opportunity.  But it melted away and a sense of calm was around us.  I told Gabe later, it felt like we have been climbing a mountain for so long, and we just got to the top where we could take a deep breath and just breathe.  But it was also a moment of realizing we had gained what we had been looking for for so long....in a moment it was done.  Longing was gone.  Daydreaming was done.  I don't know how to describe that feeling.  Just a sense of finality.  And all the heartaches (or "labor pains") were forgotten.  And a small sense of now what?

When we got back to the foster family to pick up Kaylee, we could hear her screaming before we reached the door.  Went inside and apparently she had 3 poopy diapers in the 3 hours were were gone (don't worry, we got 3 more later that night....kid was on a cleanse or something  I picked her up and she instantly settled down.  We were so excited to take her with us.  Kinda weird driving with a baby in the back.

First night with Daddy

We got to the hotel and as soon as we entered our room, Kaylee started screaming.  She had only eaten less than 2 hours before and we couldn't get her to settle down.  It took us awhile to get her settled down.  I was getting a little stressed out because I was aware that other rooms could probably hear her.  Gabe stepped up and took charge of settling her down.  As I got ready for bed, he sat down with her and I heard him say "I love you" for the first time.  He was immediately wrapped around her finger. All night, every time she made a rustle or shifted in her play pen, Gabe was up and at her side. Adorable. It was such a perfect day, but we were glad it was over and could finally sleep....in 3 hour shifts.

*While we have custody of Kaylee, the adoption won't be finalized for 6 months or so.*